death | i am codi

Happy New Years!

Only a few days late.

I can safely say I have never valued a new year as much as I do this time around, 2014 was easily the hardest year of my life. It was just chock-full of change… and I don’t particularly enjoy change.

It ranged from heartbreak, death and losing people I loved- to family members, new friendships and incredible learning experiences. Though it was hard and I am still wondering how I survived with half of my sanity (ok ok.. maybe a fourth of my sanity) I wouldn’t have had it play out any other way.

As crazy events dragged me uuuuppp and ddoooowwnn the most wild emotional roller coaster, I learned more than I ever thought I could. It sounds super cheesy to say it all helped me find myself.. but it did. It also showed me that I will never fully “find myself” not til the day comes where I am old wrinkled and ready to head up the big white staircase. And no, silly, I’m not talking about the stairs in the DVF building. Though… maybe the stairway to heaven does look pretty similar.

Life is for learning, and we will each be learning until the day we die. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the experiences- yucky and wonderful- that have brought me to the point I am at today. All it shows me is that God loves me and knows where I need to go, He knows a whole lot better than I do.

There have been two words on my mind A LOT since 2014 started coming to an end.

Talents and Trials.

These are two things that every single one of us has, and we can choose what we do with them and how we handle them. I also believe that they are two of the biggest character builders depending on how we utilize them.

This past year many of the exciting opportunities I had were because I decided to use some of my talents in different ways. I think at times it gets easy to not venture out of your comfort zone in fear of failure. But how will you ever grow if you aren’t allowing yourself to?

Not only did I have many exciting and fun opportunities from utilizing my talents; but I was able to reach out to people I never would have been able to otherwise. I made amazing friends and was able to bless their lives- even if just in the smallest way- because I didn’t hide my talents and abilities. If you think that you have a talent or gift that is unimportant or useless- think again! You weren’t made that way for nothing, so really consider what you can do to utilize it and to touch others lives for the better. For example.. if for some reason you are just so good at cleaning toilets, I have four! You would make me so happy if you came over and used your great ability! See, so worth it.

But in all seriousness- my whole life I had really been intrigued by fashion and beauty. And the last few years I have really enjoyed it and thrived in the artistic side of it. For a very long time I thought that I was prideful for enjoying fashion.. it must mean I’m a bad person or something! So.. I didn’t really do anything about it. Til the House of DVF casting started and I decided to apply on a whim, not thinking it would go anywhere. Well.. it went somewhere. Maybe not exactly where I thought it would go, but I can tell you that I can’t imagine where my life would be had I not tried to follow through with that talent of mine. However dumb, or bad I thought it was, I was so greatly blessed. I still can’t believe where my life has taken me since then.

I can also tell you that from using my talents.. a whole slew of trials tagged along. At first I was bitter about this. Why me? I won’t survive this. What do I even do?? It just didn’t make sense. And honestly it never would have made any sense had I not turned completely to God to get me through it all. It is funny to me that God is the not only the one who gets you out of trials.. but He is the one who gets you into them. There was a point in my life where I felt like maybe God didn’t love me and that was why he wanted to give me a hard time. But I soon came to realize that it was because He loved me that He gave me afflictions. He didn’t want me to stay where I was, because He knew I had the potential to learn, grow and become a better me. Now as I look back I also can see that He knew once I passed through my hardships that I would be a much happier girl. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I am now! And I am so insanely grateful for everything I went through, and still go through. Because I know for a fact that there are always better things ahead.

Look at yourself and your talents and trials. What are you doing with what you’ve been dealt? Are you hiding them away, or are you sharing them? Please share them. It helps people like me know that I am not the only one trying to struggle by, we are all in the same boat. And we all have abilities and experiences we can use to help the people around us.

I’m going to share some of my favorite and not so favorite moments of 2014 with you now in photos. Lets see what I can rummage up.

I made new friendships, and met some amazingly talented people

I strengthened old friendships and had so much fun in the process.

I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my sweet family

I said goodbye to my baby brother for two years

Said goodbye to someone I planned on spending the rest of my life with

And had to say goodbye to my sweet sweet grandpa

Became an aunt to the best nephew in the world

I pretended to be a model

Brandon Cruz Photography

Lauren Lu Photography

Jordan Carli Photography for Jacobs Scarves

Vania Stoyanova Photography

Lauren Zurchin Photography

Also pretended to be on a reality tv show in New York

Made (or tried to make) some new art

Experienced so many beautiful places

Goodness. That was a lot. I doubt anyone enjoyed that or cringed as much as I did. So much good, so much bad. But I can’t help but smile at the beauty of it all and that I got to experience it.

I can’t wait for what 2015 has in store. Bring it on. I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever comes my way this time..I’ll keep my fingers crossed at least!

I know that the things I experienced were unique to me, but I sincerely believe that all of us travel through good and hard times. I also know that everyone has the capacity to learn so very much from whatever they face. I challenge you to embrace your talents gifts and skills this year, and to share your experiences with those around you. Step out of your comfort zone to be a better you, whether it be in your relationships, schooling, work or something completely different! And always keep your head up and remember there are always better things ahead than anything you leave behind.

Here’s to another great year… aahhhh!

Aaannd sorry I didn’t include any new photos and clothes. I decided to save those for my next post, where I will also talk about some things I learned from beautiful Kier from House of DVF.

Thanks for reading/ looking at so many never ending pictures that you probably could care less about!

Buh-bye for now.

Codi

Let’s take a look back into my competition soccer days. Running laps.

You could always find me 13,000 miles behind everyone else. OK.. maybe I was not ever THAT far behind, but you get the gist; I hated it. It also didn’t help that I probably looked like Wormtail from Harry Potter.

“Hey guys, wait up!!”

I’m not a good runner nor have I ever been! But- I did it. I always finished even if I had to stop to barf somewhere along the way. Wow, what an attractive picture this whole last paragraph just painted, I am such a beautiful woman! I might as well end this blog post here and leave it at that; I will have so many followers now.

The point I am getting at is that life is not always fun. Sometimes it is a walk, sometimes it is a run. And the last few months have definitely been a run for little old me. This post is #1 of the yucky run saga, so please enjoy.

“When I got home from House of DVF..”- this is a phrase I feel I’ve used in my blog posts a billion times, so here I go using it again. But when I got home, I was very out of sorts. You see, I left to New York thinking I was going to be there for at least a month (since that is what I was told by production). So my husband and I decided it would be best for us to pack up our lives and put everything into storage, so he could stay with his parents while I was gone; I didn’t want him to be alone. We were going to move to a new place when I got done with my DVF shenanigans.

So it was quite the surprise when I was only in New York for a whopping 4 days! Wow. We really packed up our lives for this? And were then instantly homeless. So we camped out at the in-laws house for a few days. It was then that my sweet grandpa started getting very sick. He had been sick for years but this time I knew it was much more serious. I couldn’t handle it, I tried to just ignore it for so long, but it got to the point where I realized grandpa wouldn’t be here much longer. I wouldn’t be able to walk into his shop and give him a big hug. I wouldn’t be able to hear him saying “I just want you to remember how much we love you, we pray for you every day. We sure are lucky to have our Codi.” While his shaky hand held mine and his big eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t take it. My heart felt like it was being crushed, smashed and ripped into a billion pieces.

Grandpa was the kindest person I’ve ever known; he was always looking out for everyone’s well being and happiness over his own. For the last 10 or so years of his life grandpa was wheelchair bound due to his neuropathy. He got depressed often because he could no longer do service (to the extent he would like) for others. He was the ultimate fix it man, grandpa knew how to build or fix just about anything. But what always impressed me most was his ability to build people up, and fix broken hearts. There was not a soul he didn’t treat like they were the most special person in the world; especially grandma.

As my marriage was winding down, I remember walking into grandpa’s room to talk to him. He laid there, sick, pale and thin, yet the first thing out of his mouth was “You just hang in there sweetie, everything is going to be alright.” I sat next to his bed and held his hand while I cried like a baby. It was my regular routine for weeks on end- I still don’t know where all of that water came from. I was just so confused and so heartbroken. Trying to piece together a relationship that was hurting my very being, while trying to cope with saying goodbye to grandpa. He looked at me and said, “Code, look at me and grandma. Have you ever seen grandma upset like this? I do everything I possibly can to make her happy, and you deserve that too.” then he laughed and said ” Well.. maybe don’t look at me and grandma the last few years, because she has had to do everything for me!” referring to how she had to physically do everything for him. This should have made me laugh, but it made me cry harder because of how cute he was. Always trying to make others laugh, and always looking on the bright side even when things looked pretty dang dark. I’ll never forget what he said to me that day though, I do want the same relationship that grandma and grandpa had. More than anything.

Not even just solely their relationship, but I want someone who is always thinking and doing kind things for others, and not just for me. Grandpa was a perfect example of this form of Christlike love. And I think it draws a neat parallel to how talented he was with woodworking, and fixing things. He has a whole shop full of tools; all used to mend things that are broken, and create objects to use for some purpose or another. The shop is in essence, just like grandpa. And also just like Christ- it’s whole purpose is to mend and to create. And tools cannot serve their purpose unless they are in the hands of someone who knows how to use them.

Grandpa’s shop

Sweater: Thrifted

Skirt: Shabby Apple- Waltzing Matilda

Bracelet: Tarina Tarantino

“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”

Jacket: Thrifted (sorry I thrift too much, get off my back!)

I’d be lying if I said being in the shop without grandpa there was easy. It’s just not quite the same.

When I stepped into the shop it was very cold, so I flipped on the old heater. It groaned to life and that stale smell of burning dust filled the room. It started to warm up as I set up my tripod. As it got warmer in there, memories started coming to mind. And it helped me think of all the joy and warmth he brought to not only grandma, but the rest of our family and numerous other people. It reminded me what I want to strive to be, not only for myself but for my future family. And I want someone by my side who will build me up to be a better me each day.

I’m holding my standard of men wwaaayy up on grandpa’s level; I want to marry someone who carries the same virtues and kindness as him. I want to constantly feel the way he made every one around him feel; loved valued and special. I want to use the tools I have been given in life to do good wherever I go. And I can’t wait to find the man who has his own “shop full of tools” to build up those around him. I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing example I have in my sweet grandpa.

So now if you’re feeling sad or nostalgic or something like I was, don’t be. Scroll back up to the top of this post and look at the picture of Wormtail again.

Till next time my friends!

Codi

i am codi

life, art, & fashion

Tag Archives: death

Goodbye 2014!

Grandpa’s Shop