It was a cold and stormy night. Just kidding. Half kidding. It was freaking cold. But not stormy. Slash I am not even starting this story with the nighttime so pretend I never said any of this.

It was a very very cold day. Jason was acting strange, as opposed to how he usually acts- goofy. We were at my parent’s house and wait, let’s rewind.

It was a very very tired morning at work. I called my parents when I got off of my shift around noon and no one answered. My mom finally texted me back “Hi Codi, sorry! We are going to lunch with Jason right now, I think I know what he is going to ask us!!” Me “Gosh mom!! I like surprises, now this isn’t going to be a surprise!” Mom “I’m sorry!! I am a bad liar I couldn’t think of anything else to say because you’d figure it out anyway! Oh well we all knew it was coming!” It’s true, I would have figured it out- my parents and Jason are the worst liars/secret keepers in the world and I am a world class detective.

So yes. Jason took my parents to lunch to ask for my hand in marriage. The plot twist is that they said no, because that would only leave me with one hand. Just kidding that really never happened, I just heard that joke from someone and I do find it pretty comical.

But they obviously said yes. They have loved Jason from day one and saw how good he was for me. And can I just point out that he asked both of my parents? I loved that. I still love how Jason knows how much my whole family means to me and they mean just as much to him too, because turns out that is how he is with his own family. It’s so great.

So fast forward to a few days later. To the cold cold day. The night before Jason asks “Code, can we go on a hot date tomorrow night? And get some dinner?” I of course agreed, I am always up for a hot date and dinner! And a hot dinner! So he comes over to our house and my dad asks “What are you two doing tonight?” I look at Jason. Jason gets a blank look on his face “Uh, we are going on a hot date. Probably to dinner…” Dad, “Oh sounds fun, where to?” Jason, “Uh, um..probably this Thai place up by Liberty Park…” awkward silence. Hahahaha there was never a moment of awkward silence with Jason from the moment we met until then. That’s the second I knew he was proposing that night.

I looked down at my clothes, then at the clock and thought oh no. I look like a river monster/ weird camp guide person. Then I did a quick glance at my reflection on the oven and thought, oh shoot even worse. My face looks like a dirty sock and my hair is an exact replica of the mop that was used to clean the lunch room at my elementary school.

But there was no time to get ready so I just grabbed some lipgloss out and tied the top half of my mop hair into a weird little bun. And off we went. Jason opened the front door for me and said “Oh Codi! Did you know it’s 11/11 today?? Did you make a wish?” me “Yes I did know, and no, I didn’t make a wish!” And I continued walking to his car.

We then started driving to dinner and Jason says “So since I found this Thai place which happens to be really close to Liberty Park, do you think we should go take a walk after dinner?”

Me talking to myself in my head “Shoot, he really is going to propose at Liberty Park and we have never even been there together, what does that meeaaan. Plus I know for a fact he hasn’t gotten me a ring yet so what is he going to do??” Thus starts the internal freakout and commencement of me trying to sabotage Jason’s “unplanned” proposal.

Our drive continues with me turning on my snapchat and forcing us to record us saying phrases backwards so I could record it backwards, making it sound “normal”.

Me and Jason for ten minutes “ooooopp ooot vvvaahhhh iii” You can figure out on your own what that one was. Or watch this.

Then we pull up at the restaurant and eat just the most delicious Thai food til we are over stuffed as usual. Well I was anyway.

Then we drive to Liberty Park. We park. And we sit there as I try to look down at my feet but I can’t because I am so stuffed with food my belly was identical to Santa Claus belly. Then I realized I was as cold as Santa and I cranked the heat up all the way. Then I zoned in on my heartburn creeping up my throat and started unbuttoning my pants to relieve some of the pressure on my freaking belly. I thought about unbuckling my seatbelt but kept it firmly across my lap as I sat there and tried to think of a way to get away from Liberty Park.

“Ok Code, do you want to go on a little walk? It’ll help our food digest!”

“Um I don’t feel very good J, I am too full, I am freezing already I am just shivering thinking about getting out of the car, my heartburn is eating my esophagus and maybe we should just go home and watch a show??”

“Ok we can do that after, come on! I have a great big blanket in the back I can wrap around you, and when we walk it’ll help your food and your heartburn go away probably.”

Any other day if I asked Jason to drive me to Maine, he would do it. If I was sad and the only way he could cheer me up was for him to eat the contents of a cat’s litter box he would have done it. So when he didn’t give in to my complaining and whisk me away to watch a show, I knew I wasn’t getting out of our “walk” in the park.

So we get out and Jason bundles me up in his blanket and we start walking around the park.

This whole time I was shaking uncontrollably. If anyone looked at me they would have thought I was dying of hypothermia but in reality I was just so nervous I couldn’t control my rattling body.

We walk a few feet and Jason says “Oh Code! Did you know it is 11/11 today?” Me “Yep, and no I didn’t make a wish.” And I keep waddling away like the brat that I was.

So on we walk around the pond. I try to change the subject to anything other than 11/11 or romantic things. So I ask Jason if he could have any pet in the world what would he choose.

Just keep in mind we were both acting like we had just met each other. Jason was freaking out of nervousness and I was as well. We were both acting so strange all night and once I asked him what pet he would choose I almost bust out laughing uncontrollably that it was the only thing I could think of to talk about.

Silence.

Jason: “Um.. a pet… I think.. I think I choose an owl. Yeah I choose an owl. What about you?”

Me: “Um shoot I didn’t think about this. Maybe like a.. lion or something. Yeah a lion. I could ride it and stuff.”

Jason: “A lion? Cool! Wait.. why did I choose an owl?? Owls are cool but not that cool. Not that cool at all. Why didn’t I choose a big animal? Why did I choose a freaking owl??”

More walking and laughing.

Jason “Oh wow Code! Look, there is a bridge here! We should go over the bridge!”

I practically sprint over the bridge in fear he will propose on this bridge.

We reach the little island in the middle of the pond. I scan the area for signs of the impending proposal, nothing.

“Hey look, wow its a bench Code! Lets go sit on that bench!”

We walk down to this tilted decrepit bench sitting in the mud down by the water. All the while Jason is talking about island’s nervously.

“Wow look at us Codi, me and you on an island. Islands are so interesting, hey! We met on an island, practically! This is so cool for us, it’s like we are back where we met! Think about it, islands are all alone out in the water, surrounded by water, but together you know? Like me and you! Islands are basically our thing, they mean so much…… ”

He kept talking as my mind flashed through scenes of meeting Jason on our cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. Playing on all the islands in the warm weather, heaps of never ending food, swimming in the ocean, playing on the beaches, hiking in the rainforest. Laughing as we play games in the sun, and at night talked while the warm sea mist floated around and you could see all the stars up in the sky.

And my eyes slowly drifted from the murky inversion above us, down to my shivering body wrapped in Jason’s old blanket. My glance continued down to a diseased glove halfway encrusted into the ground in front of our muddy shoes, over globs of duck poop, to the sludgy water rippling slightly where the geese were probably watching us in the dark.

Jason continues being so cute and nervous talking about the importance of islands to us. Then he starts to move a little more than usual, bouncing up and down a bit.

“Man Code, I really have to pee. I am going to pee my pants.”

He starts scanning the little island for a place to pee. “Ok I am going to run to the bathroom on the other side of the park, stay here I will be right back!”

Me “Just pee in the pond J.”

Jason: “No, I could get arrested!”

I look around at the ten feet in front of us which is all we can see because it is so pitch black.

“No one will see you! It is so dark we can’t even see a thing, how in the world would a cop on the other side of the park see you peeing?? ”

He finally complied and I sat there on the bench as he scuttled almost out of sight and I hear his pee hitting the sludge filled water.

He walks back to the bench and continues to talk a bit and then looks at his watch. “Wow, so it’s still a little while til it’s 11:11 on 11/11, maybe we should just make wishes now? So make a wish k?”

Oh no, it’s coming. I sit there with a blank mind, what do I wish for?? What do I do?

“What did you wish for Code?” Me “Well I can’t tell you or it won’t come true, right?” Jason “Well ok, but can I tell you what I wished for….?”

His hands are sweating and shaking so much as he lifts himself off the bench and fumbles a ring out of his pocket. I could almost hear the mud goosh out and around his knee as he kneels in front of me.

“I wished that I could spend forever with you. Codi you are my very best friend. I have never been as happy as I have been since I met you. I love you so much. (more stuttery, simple, cute fumbling words) Codi, will you marry me??”

I am crying as I nod, “Yes, Jason!”

And he slips a ring on my finger, then the gem slides from the top to the bottom of my finger and hangs there a few sizes too big.

Jason: “Oh shoot! I knew it wouldn’t fit! Oh no.. Codi I am so sorry. I blew it, oh no. Codi you deserve so much better. I got you the wrong size ring. And why did I propose to you at Liberty Park? It’s freezing and gross. What did I do? I blew it. I’m so sorry Codi. I’m so so sorry. I haven’t gotten any sleep in weeks I just had to do it today or I felt like I was going to die of nervousness! I’m so sorry.” I sit there and look at the ring hanging off of my finger and think.

Oh no he did blow it didn’t he. What do we do? This isn’t how a proposal is supposed to be is it. What do we do now?

Jason:”Ok Code lets just pretend this didn’t happen ok? I will redo it and do it better. You deserve better than me and better than this. I will go get you a ring that fits and I will do this better another time. Let’s just go home, I’m so so sorry.”

I still sit there in silence thinking. “Ok, so do I just not tell anyone, and we pretend this didn’t happen? Or should we just go with it? What do we do?”

We sit there talking about it for a bit and decide that he is going to redo it but we should get pictures in case we just want to count this time as the real thing (we were so stupid hahaha). He apologizes again for not planning this better because he was going to get someone to take pictures and didn’t remember to do that. He just kept apologizing for every single thing and we felt so confused!

So Jason turns on his phone and flips the camera around and our big white faces come on the screen. Oh dear we looked horrible! We take one photo and his phone dies.

Jason “Oh no!! Is your phone still in my car? You say here Code, I will run and get it and I’ll hurry, I’m so sorry!!” Jason runs out across the bridge and I sit there on that little tilted bench wrapped in his blanket and watch his silhouette shrink away in the distance as he runs clear around the park to our car to get my phone.

In that moment I felt so upset “Oh gosh I can’t believe he blew it. What do we even do? I look gross, we don’t have pictures, the ring doesn’t fit, we are at Liberty Park, we are freezing and why are we here?” Then as I watched Jason’s tiny outline running in the distance it hit me.

I started laughing so hard. I laughed that he peed in the pond, I laughed at the glove sticking out of the mud. I laughed at how homeless I looked wrapped in that blanket, sitting on a bench that looked like it had survived a hurricane. I laughed about Jason’s cute words about islands, and I laughed at the “island” I was currently sitting on as he ran to get my phone out of the car. And I realized that this whole proposal was exactly what I wanted. I wanted Jason and all of it was so him. The nervousness, the loss of words, the fact that none of it was a surprise. The whole night was something I would never forget and it was so simple and not dramatic. Jason was not dramatic, he never put on a show. He was fun and funny and simple. He never upset me or treated me wrong. He valued me, my hopes, dreams, ideas and words like no one else had before. He would do anything for me, but from day one I scared the crap out of him (or in this case, the pee). From the moment I met him he waited for me to make up my mind. He let me decide what I wanted and what I needed. He showed me his true self from the second we met on that cruise ship and he was still doing that very thing on that little dirty island on Liberty Park. He was a drama free guy who loved me and was my best friend in the whole world. And I was so happy we would have this night to laugh about for the rest of forever.

It occurred to me in that moment that I had been conditioned my whole life into thinking that drama is normal- good or bad drama. I had this idea that everything that happened in my life had to be like a fairy tale, or utter destruction and misery, to be right. That day leading up to Jason’s proposal my mind flashed back to my ex’s proposal. A giant scavenger hunt, intricate clues, tears, tears and more tears. A song written and played for me in between sobs. Ending at a proposal on an old train platform where we had our first kiss. It was just like the movies portray a proposal to be, very dramatic and flowery. In my head I remember hesitating after my ex popped the question, my first thought was to say no because I didn’t feel like I was ready or like it was right for us. But I said yes because I loved him and I thought it was just how it was supposed to be, I didn’t think I had any other option. There were many times after that proposal where I got scared, I worried I had made the wrong choice. As I was deciding if I was going to go through with that marriage I had a few scares that he would hurt himself if I didn’t stay with him, or something horrible would happen to him or our relationship- I was so scared I would lose him. But again, that drama was what kept me in it. I was used to the drama throughout my life so it felt right.

As I remembered those moments with my ex a clear comparison of Jason came into my mind. When he asked me to marry him I had absolutely zero doubts that I wanted to marry him. But if I had, he would have stepped back and let me figure it out without any threats or scares; but with patience and love. I was ashamed that I had questioned Jason’s proposal just because it wasn’t flowery or dramatic enough. I couldn’t believe that my idea of how a proposal should be, clouded over the awesomeness of the night and the hilarity and sweetness of Jason’s plan. He was everything I wanted and I would have married him even if he wrapped a worm around my finger and asked me to marry him in a text. Our relationship was based on trust, love, humility, friendship, patience and humor. As opposed to jealousy, confusion, drama and more drama.

That moment on that bench taught me a lot about myself. I realized that down in my core I had some unhealthy expectations and patterns that I would have to work a ton on to change. Even in the happiest state I’d been in for years (or in my whole life for that matter) I still struggled with expectations and being let down due to really high ones.

I thought about how much more sweet and memorable my memories with Jason were compared to any else. No matter what our surroundings or struggles were they constantly brought us closer instead of tearing us apart. Sure, it took me a minute to recalibrate my mind and my emotions each time something shook me and a little. But Jason helped this process each time by being patient, sweet and by putting me first. He didn’t need to put on a big show to win my heart so why would he have to do that to ask me to marry him?

Jason galloped back over the bridge in the dark and sat back down on the bench with my phone in his hand. Out of breath he said something about taking some pictures now then we would figure out if we wanted him to redo the proposal another time. Finally- like I should have done minutes before- I told him that this proposal was perfect and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

We sat and hugged each other as we laughed for some time and took some beautiful romantic photos on my phone (see the beauty below). Then we called our family and told them we were finally engaged, before my phone also died because the battery was “too cold”.

I had a thought a little off tangent as I was hunting for those proposal photos but here it goes. As a photographer I tend to pick photos that “aren’t real”. When choosing photos of a model I will not pick the one where her double chins are bulging over the collar of her dress from laughing so hard. I won’t choose a picture of someone’s crack hanging out as they are modeling a pair of pants. Photos like this don’t “sell”. I don’t capture the kid’s toys laying on the ground when snapping a photo of my sister in her home. Or mine and J’s laundry piled in the corner when getting a picture of the two of us at home. But the truth about life is that these little quirky and real things can’t be covered up, no matter if they aren’t shown- they are there! And they are what make life real, unique and fulfilling. It’s kind of how I see my relationship with Jason, it’s candid, funny and real. Nothing is covered up or not shown, and sometimes you have to learn to love the real double chin smiles instead of the glamorous vogue shots. Take away the drama and life is so much better and so much more enjoyable. I’m so grateful for my Jason and for everything he has taught me! I’m so grateful he proposed and that I now reap those benefits of being with my best friend for every day for the rest of ever. It’s a cool life.

I’m here today to post some wedding pictures taken by my great friend Jessica Sweat. But I am going to start out writing more of Jason and I’s story. Because the truth is I started writing it weeks ago and am just finishing now. And lumping it together with our wedding pictures haha.

I’m going to start back in what.. probably April of last year. Jason took me to Cirque Du Soleil when they came here to Salt Lake. After the show J drove me home and we were sitting in my driveway laughing about something and he says “Gosh Codi I just loved tonight! And I just love laughing with you, and I loved dinner! And I love spending time with you… I just love YOU!!” and then we both stopped mid laugh and looked at each other,  Jason’s face turned bright red and he put his hand over his mouth. Then I started laughing again way harder and he says “Oh gosh I did not mean to say that, not like this not right now, oh my gosh! I am the worst I didn’t mean to say that now!” and I couldn’t stop laughing then he said “Wait, I mean no…. I DID mean to say that, I DO love you Codi! I totally meant it so I AM going to tell you, I love you! I’ve been thinking it for a long time now, I am in love with you! I’m the worst, I just told you I loved you in your driveway in my car!! Oh my gosh!” and we both sat there laughing so hard.

I knew I couldn’t just keep sitting there laughing so then I said “I care about you so much but I’m just not there yet. I do love you, but I am not in love with you yet, I need more time. But I love spending time with you too, I love everything about you I’m just not ready for this yet.” And cute Jason was the nicest. “I understand. Don’t feel obligated or rushed or anything. But just know I love you, and I am here for you always. I realized a while ago I would do anything for you and I worry about you and care for you more than anyone I’ve ever met. So just remember that, and just be ready to hear that I love you now. Because I do and I am going to say it.” Then he walked me up to the door, kissed me, and told me he loved me and I went inside.

Do you know how weird it feels to have someone say they love you and then you don’t say it back? Do you just smile awkwardly while you bat your eyes, or scream “I LOVE PIZZA!” and run away, give them a high five and say thanks bro, pretend you didn’t hear them because you’re talking to someone on your bluetooth headset, or just say “I like you a lot too, bye!” But really what do you do?

The truth is I did love Jason then, but I was scared. I was so scared to lose someone I loved again, I was scared to make a wrong choice or not weigh all the possibilities. I was scared that I didn’t know him well enough and what if he ended up being someone other than what he seemed. It was also hard to admit that it was all happening again. I had a ton of mental and emotional walls up from the divorce and that previous relationship. I didn’t know how to transition all of myself to another person and not feel like a psychopath while doing so. I was a psycho. Every new milestone I reached with Jason brought back up tough memories and feelings which made me want to run away and become a cat lady (which says a lot because I am allergic to cats). I didn’t want to confront any of that pain which I had buried down so deep, it was way easier ignoring it.

So for a couple months Jason kept telling me he loved me while I awkwardly mumbled thanks or hugged him, or got teary eyed because I felt so rude and he was still so sweet. Jason and I would often be talking and he would say things like “When we are married we are definitely going to travel the whole world together” or “In 60 years me and you will probably still be acting like this!” or “Hopefully our kids get your butt and not mine!” and I would immediately go from happy laughing Codi to straight face worried Codi. And I’d sit and tell him to not think into the future like that. Because he didn’t know what was going to happen with us, and I didn’t ever want to let him down. It was the worst. Correction: I was the worst.

Finally in about July or so I had been talking with my friend Sammie. We had gone through marriage, then divorce, and dating again all at the same time. I don’t think I could have survived it all without her. But we were talking about love, and she asked me if I loved Jason. And I went on basically telling her (in condensed version) “Yeah I do love him, wait no, maybe, definitely, I don’t know. It’s different, I don’t know how to, and it’s scary!” and she said something to me along the lines of fear isn’t from God, love is. And it hit me that I was letting fear rule my life, and it was time to change that. I loved Jason and I needed to tell him!

So soon after that, Jason and I went to the temple. We went in the Celestial Room- a very peaceful, heavenly room of the temple. Jason was praying when I walked in and I sat by him and also prayed. Then I thought “Gosh, I am going to do it! I am telling him I love him now!” so my heart started beating so fast and I leaned over to him and whispered “Guess what?” Jason turned and looked at me with his eyes wide and shook his head at me. My face immediately went bright red “He knows!! Oh my gosh!” I thought. He whispered “Codi! Not here, anywhere but here! Not now!” I was so embarrassed. I was thinking how does he know, and why was I going to tell him here, that is so embarrassing of me! My heart was just beating out of control. So I thought “No. I am going to do it, I got this far I have to say it!” So I leaned over again and said “No J really, guess what!” and he starts to laugh “Codi really, anywhere but here! Everyone will hear it, and it will echo! Do you have to do it in here?” and I thought “It will echo…?” and died when I realized. Somewhere in life I started saying “Guess what?” to whoever was with me then when they said “What?” I’d fart! I know, I really am a 14 year old boy. So after I realized Jason thought I was going to rip a big one in the Celestial Room, I said “No, I’m not going to fart. I was just going to tell you that I love you!” and his face went from nervous surprised grin to the biggest smile ever. And we sat there hugging, with our whole bodies shaking as we laughed as reverently as we could.

Every milestone I’ve shared with Jason has been so… light. I don’t know how to word it but it’s been just a montage of funny, light, peaceful, warm, uncoordinated, smiley moments. Jason is -2893% drama, 3006% patience, 9028% funny and 938731% selfless. It’s a tough life with him, not!

Even when it comes down to the little tiny moments, there are times that my mind snapped a picture of. Those always keep me smiling. Like when I heard someone crying and peeked through a doorway and saw it was my best friend, so sad from a breakup, only to look in further and see Jason with his arms wrapped around her telling her she deserves better. Or the first time Jason went around the room giving my family hugs before we left my house saying “I love you!!” to each person while he squeezed them tight, and I knew he meant it. These are simple moments that showed qualities I’ve never experienced or seen in anyone I’ve been with. Jason really is part of me, and everyone in my life. And I in his! We don’t have “my friends” “his friends” “my family” or “his family” it’s just”Our friends” and “Our family” It is just good.

When Jason and I were setting our wedding date we picked February 1st. It was a Monday and only the Jordan River Temple was open that day. February 1st also happened to be my Grandpa Van’s birthday, so it was an extra special day.

My grandpa was the best example of Christlike love and selflessness that I knew. When he was sick I remember talking to him many times about love and about marriage. He would always tell me that life was hard enough, whoever you share your life with should just add sunshine and give their all to make you happy and vice versa. He wasn’t all talk, grandpa lived this. He treated grandma and everyone around him so well always, and added so much sunshine to everyone’s lives.

After grandpa passed away there were a few moments when I felt him by me cheering me on. One in particular was when I was deciding if I was supposed to marry Jason or not. I could almost feel grandpa’s big hand on my shoulder like he was there, saying “Codi you know perfectly well he is the one, and I approve!” Who knows if I made these moments up in my mind but they were just the right amount of peace I needed to know I was on the right path.

I felt the same peace and comfort on February 1st 2016 times a thousand, as Jason and I were married and sealed in the temple. My mom, dad and I drove over together that morning and I noticed I didn’t feel a hint of nervousness or uneasiness. We were all laughing the whole morning, and when Jason and his parents walked in I felt all bashful like I had just met him again! Why does that still happen!

We went and got dressed and my mom and Jason’s mom came and helped me. I got stuck trying to get my clothes off and my dress on and it was so funny, all three of us trying to wedge my big fat head into my dress took about 3 years. After those three years had gone by all of our wedding guests had left and forgotten we existed so no one was actually at our wedding! Har har har.

Once I was dressed I went with Jason up to talk to the sealer. The second I saw Jason I had two waterfalls coming out of my face. Nothing had even happened yet and I couldn’t stop crying! And he just had his cute gigantic excited smile on his face. I kept trying to think of very serious things like bins full of legal documents or thousands of marauding vikings so I would stop crying but it didn’t work. I was too happy.

We finally went into the sealing room and I had gained control of my tears until I saw everyone in there. Through the whole thing my lip was doing that quivery thing and I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at anyone, one little smile or watery eye in our direction sent me back into river face mode. Gosh!

It kept running through my head just how much dispair  I felt the year before that I would never find the right person, that I would be alone forever. And there right across from me was the one person who would make me the happiest girl for eternity. I found him. I thought of how quickly I found Jason, and how easy it was. How God pretty much lead us straight to each other and knew Jason was the one I needed. It blew my mind that the tiny ounce of faith I had paid off so much, I was the luckiest girl alive that day and for the rest of my life. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful in my life, I will never ever forget that feeling.

While Jason and I were married and sealed I felt many things. First I felt love, overwhelming love. From our family, friends, angels, Heavenly Father, you name it. I just felt so much love. I also felt peace, it was like God nodded his head saying “Yes, this is right.” I felt… one. I felt entirely one with Jason and everyone and everything in our lives, I felt connected, I felt sealed. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt before and it was such a surprise to me and still is. It is just right. I know that life gets hard and we will have bumps and hard times but there is not an end in my future with Jason. I didn’t know what I was missing until I found him and I will never be able to understand how I deserve him.

Ok enough of this yadda yadda though. Here are pictures. Thank you Jessica for the photos! Thank you everyone who braved the arctic. Seriously -8 degrees, windy, frost bite, multiple cases of hypothermia, wedding guests found frozen dead in the parking lot. What? Practically. Bright red noses, puffy eyes, huge coats, millions of cars in the background, squinty eyes, double chins. I for one didn’t feel glamorous at all but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy.

Best. Day. Ever.