One day a few years ago I was riding Trax home from class, making my way to work. I was listening to my iPod while sitting across from some lanky man.

Suddenly my left arm started to go numb, my fingers went all tingly and I got a crushing pain in my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I tried to stay calm but I was sure I was having a heart attack. “I’m only 22.. I actually really might die here on Trax. I never guessed this would be how I would go.” I slumped down in my seat so I was practically laying down and tried to get a deep breath. Tears streamed down my face out of fear and confusion. My legs were all up in the lanky man’s business but I really couldn’t care about that at the time.

Being four stops away from where my car was parked seemed like it took an eternity. I was glad that I was parked right by the hospital so they could take care of my heart attack- or at least dispose of my body if I didn’t make it in time.

Once I made it to my car the pain had lessened but I was hyperventilating pretty bad. I had to sit in my car and try to stop crying so I could breathe- but I just couldn’t!

I had no clue I had had a panic attack till I had more over the next few weeks and months.

I never understood what started the panic attacks, they would come out of nowhere with what seemed like no triggers.

For those years I was also always anxious and depressed. I thought about killing myself which I never had done before- it just seemed to make sense, it seemed like it would be nice.

I felt hopeless and confused most days. I would get into hours of only being able to say “I don’t know” when anyone asked me anything. I couldn’t laugh, smile, or even pretend I was happy like I used to. I felt worthless and like a burden on everyone- it would be easier if I was just gone.

Months went by of this and I couldn’t pin point what it was. I felt like maybe it was my birth control, I thought “I started feeling this way after I got married, and that is when I started taking the pill, so that’s got to be the issue.” I got off the pill and got a non-hormonal IUD. My moods didn’t fluctuate AS much but I still felt the same. My anxiety and depression continued and I would try to ignore it or find something to blame it on.

Months later I went through my divorce and had a while of totally blaming my ex (and my marriage circumstances) on all of my feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, worthlessness etc. After all he didn’t treat me good so of course it was all his fault right?

Wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong.

New story.

My parent’s got this rescue dog a couple years ago, her name is Lizzie. Stupid name for a dog right? My mom saw a post on Facebook with Lizzie’s sweet old gray face that looks eerily just like our family dog Sabra who passed away years ago. She couldn’t let this 9 year old Sabra twin dog stay in a kennel any longer so we took her in.

Lizzie had these huge saggy/misshaped boobies from what we can only guess was from years of being bred, worn down stubs of teeth from probably chewing on her cage, and scab like spots on her elbows from laying on a hard ground for so long.

She was really skinny and anxious. When we first brought her home she would run into furniture and hit her head on corners, it was as if she had never lived in a house before. Odds are she probably didn’t, but we don’t and probably never will know what her past was.

She is the sweetest dog you’ll ever meet, my niece and nephew can climb on her and she is so patient and gentle with them. She wouldn’t hurt any person no matter what anyone did to her. She cuddles like she is a lap dog and follows you around the house even if you just go to the bathroom. She greets every stranger like they are her best friend and she will sit in anyone’s lap even if they don’t want her to (or even if she doesn’t want to).

 

But then if she sees a dog or a cat all hell breaks loose. She turns into this demon who will stop at nothing to gnaw them dead with her nubbin teeth. Some switch flips that makes you think… why the heck does she do that???

She also would escape the yard any way she could for months, even if it cost her getting hurt. She would get so anxious being alone that we would wonder what happened to her, why does she feel the need to escape, why is she so anxious?

She does a number of other things like this that make you go, what did she go through to make her act like this?

Ok back to this other crap.

After I met Jason I started going to a therapist. I wanted to know how I could get over the feelings and insecurities I got from my ex. I didn’t want him to rule my life any more and I wanted to feel better.

It was so weird how over the months I came to realize that it wasn’t my ex who was the problem…it was me.

Growing up there were multiple factors that instilled different things in me that came out and became worse. Sure the unhealthy relationship with my ex definitely exaggerated these things and brought me to an even lower point, but over all I was not healthy to begin with.

We all start out young and innocent, we grow our personalities and have a support system.

Unfortunately though sometimes our support system doesn’t support you the way they should, or isn’t even the support that you as an individual need. So we all develop unique ways to cope with our circumstances. No one is perfect and no one grows up in a perfect environment, no matter how hard someone tries, or if everyone has the best intentions.

I sure didn’t! I have a family and friends who I love more than I can put into words, but that doesn’t mean they are perfect either.

Through my therapy I saw how initially I started off talking about my ex and my marriage, and it quickly diverted into other topics like my parent’s unhealthy relationship cycle, how they treat each other and us kids. Boundaries. Not being heard while growing up. Feeling dumb or worthless for certain things I couldn’t control. Feeling like a burden or an unwanted child. Feeling the need to fix all of the unhealthy relationships around me. Needing to be perfect at anything I did. Being different, not being accepted by “friends” or being liked by everyone. Feeling ugly and insecure about my weight, hair color or how I looked. Not being outgoing or popular enough. Different fears and insecurities my soccer coach/ team helped grow to be bigger and bigger. The places I worked and the bad things I saw going on there. The fears I had when it came to marriage, fighting spouses/parents and feeling abandoned. It carried into so many things, so many stupid things that I didn’t even know were still hurting me. I could name so many more, just like I think anyone else can do too! And you know what, I realized the list will just keep growing unless you tackle it at some point.

That’s when I decided that if I wanted to truly find happiness and peace I had to fix these things within myself. I had to know that I could go head to head with some of these things I had buried, ignored, or blamed on something or someone else.

And that was my job to do and no one else’s.

There comes a point in life you have to stop being a victim of your circumstances, you have to decide you are going to fight and not give up.

You have to throw away your excuses and make some sacrifices. You have to experience some seemingly unnecessary struggle and pain. And you have to be grateful and humble.

Stop blaming your past or the people who brought certain things out in you. Stop pointing fingers and stop trying to punish someone who “offended” you or “ruined your life”. That includes yourself. Don’t punish yourself. You’ve been hurt enough, so move forward and fight for getting peace within yourself again.

It’s frustrating to watch so many people I love go through this cycle and have to stand by and watch as they destroy their lives and the lives of those around them.

Go get help. Go work on you. Humble yourself.

We all hurt and we all go through trials, and guess what? We are all different. Have empathy for people who are different than YOU, even if you think your way is the right way. Love them, respect them, talk to them. We all come from different places. We all have different insecurities and ways of dealing with adversity. We have all built walls and unhealthy ways of reacting or coping with different situations.

Just like funny Lizzie the rescue dog, we all have weird strange quirks about us because of things we have gone through. But we actually have the ability to get over those things. We also have the ability to understand and give empathy to those around us if we try. Lift others up. Stop blaming and start making a change.

Trust me, with that big list up there of my insecurities and where they started, it has not been fun to sift through all of that and bring it up again. But it has helped me heal, cope, learn, actually function and want to change.

I see WHY I have anxiety and depression over certain things, I see what sets me off when I feel mad or out of control. And I can talk about those things and work on them now. I’m not helpless and I’m not lost. It gets better.

There will always be jerks out there who drag you down, but it helps if you can remember that they too are hurting for some reason and that is usually why they are how they are. It doesn’t give them an excuse but can help you handle unpleasant things and be happier. I think Jason must be really good at doing this with me lots of the time!

You know, I thought marrying Jason would fix me, that he would take away all the pain and all of my issues.

Not true.

Jason helped me because he is a very healthy, understanding, humble and kind person. But he has not fixed me. I’m the one who has had to work on that and it hasn’t been easy. There are still days he sits with me while I have to talk out my anxiety over something that happened. Or nights when we stay home and he holds me while I cry into his shirt because I feel so depressed. Those have definitely gotten fewer and further between, but it takes a long time to heal. And at least I can understand why I feel how I do now and work it out to become happier and more at peace. I am much happier but I know I still have a ways to go.

We all do.

Ok my rant is at an end. Hope it gave anyone some insight, if not it’s fine. I got it out!

If you related to any of this I suggest go see a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, bishop, really anyone who can help you get out of your unhealthy patterns. Just don’t dump it on your kids, friends or loved ones, they love you but cannot fix it. Only you can, and seeing a professional is a good place for you to start.