I’m here today to post some wedding pictures taken by my great friend Jessica Sweat. But I am going to start out writing more of Jason and I’s story. Because the truth is I started writing it weeks ago and am just finishing now. And lumping it together with our wedding pictures haha.

I’m going to start back in what.. probably April of last year. Jason took me to Cirque Du Soleil when they came here to Salt Lake. After the show J drove me home and we were sitting in my driveway laughing about something and he says “Gosh Codi I just loved tonight! And I just love laughing with you, and I loved dinner! And I love spending time with you… I just love YOU!!” and then we both stopped mid laugh and looked at each other,  Jason’s face turned bright red and he put his hand over his mouth. Then I started laughing again way harder and he says “Oh gosh I did not mean to say that, not like this not right now, oh my gosh! I am the worst I didn’t mean to say that now!” and I couldn’t stop laughing then he said “Wait, I mean no…. I DID mean to say that, I DO love you Codi! I totally meant it so I AM going to tell you, I love you! I’ve been thinking it for a long time now, I am in love with you! I’m the worst, I just told you I loved you in your driveway in my car!! Oh my gosh!” and we both sat there laughing so hard.

I knew I couldn’t just keep sitting there laughing so then I said “I care about you so much but I’m just not there yet. I do love you, but I am not in love with you yet, I need more time. But I love spending time with you too, I love everything about you I’m just not ready for this yet.” And cute Jason was the nicest. “I understand. Don’t feel obligated or rushed or anything. But just know I love you, and I am here for you always. I realized a while ago I would do anything for you and I worry about you and care for you more than anyone I’ve ever met. So just remember that, and just be ready to hear that I love you now. Because I do and I am going to say it.” Then he walked me up to the door, kissed me, and told me he loved me and I went inside.

Do you know how weird it feels to have someone say they love you and then you don’t say it back? Do you just smile awkwardly while you bat your eyes, or scream “I LOVE PIZZA!” and run away, give them a high five and say thanks bro, pretend you didn’t hear them because you’re talking to someone on your bluetooth headset, or just say “I like you a lot too, bye!” But really what do you do?

The truth is I did love Jason then, but I was scared. I was so scared to lose someone I loved again, I was scared to make a wrong choice or not weigh all the possibilities. I was scared that I didn’t know him well enough and what if he ended up being someone other than what he seemed. It was also hard to admit that it was all happening again. I had a ton of mental and emotional walls up from the divorce and that previous relationship. I didn’t know how to transition all of myself to another person and not feel like a psychopath while doing so. I was a psycho. Every new milestone I reached with Jason brought back up tough memories and feelings which made me want to run away and become a cat lady (which says a lot because I am allergic to cats). I didn’t want to confront any of that pain which I had buried down so deep, it was way easier ignoring it.

So for a couple months Jason kept telling me he loved me while I awkwardly mumbled thanks or hugged him, or got teary eyed because I felt so rude and he was still so sweet. Jason and I would often be talking and he would say things like “When we are married we are definitely going to travel the whole world together” or “In 60 years me and you will probably still be acting like this!” or “Hopefully our kids get your butt and not mine!” and I would immediately go from happy laughing Codi to straight face worried Codi. And I’d sit and tell him to not think into the future like that. Because he didn’t know what was going to happen with us, and I didn’t ever want to let him down. It was the worst. Correction: I was the worst.

Finally in about July or so I had been talking with my friend Sammie. We had gone through marriage, then divorce, and dating again all at the same time. I don’t think I could have survived it all without her. But we were talking about love, and she asked me if I loved Jason. And I went on basically telling her (in condensed version) “Yeah I do love him, wait no, maybe, definitely, I don’t know. It’s different, I don’t know how to, and it’s scary!” and she said something to me along the lines of fear isn’t from God, love is. And it hit me that I was letting fear rule my life, and it was time to change that. I loved Jason and I needed to tell him!

So soon after that, Jason and I went to the temple. We went in the Celestial Room- a very peaceful, heavenly room of the temple. Jason was praying when I walked in and I sat by him and also prayed. Then I thought “Gosh, I am going to do it! I am telling him I love him now!” so my heart started beating so fast and I leaned over to him and whispered “Guess what?” Jason turned and looked at me with his eyes wide and shook his head at me. My face immediately went bright red “He knows!! Oh my gosh!” I thought. He whispered “Codi! Not here, anywhere but here! Not now!” I was so embarrassed. I was thinking how does he know, and why was I going to tell him here, that is so embarrassing of me! My heart was just beating out of control. So I thought “No. I am going to do it, I got this far I have to say it!” So I leaned over again and said “No J really, guess what!” and he starts to laugh “Codi really, anywhere but here! Everyone will hear it, and it will echo! Do you have to do it in here?” and I thought “It will echo…?” and died when I realized. Somewhere in life I started saying “Guess what?” to whoever was with me then when they said “What?” I’d fart! I know, I really am a 14 year old boy. So after I realized Jason thought I was going to rip a big one in the Celestial Room, I said “No, I’m not going to fart. I was just going to tell you that I love you!” and his face went from nervous surprised grin to the biggest smile ever. And we sat there hugging, with our whole bodies shaking as we laughed as reverently as we could.

Every milestone I’ve shared with Jason has been so… light. I don’t know how to word it but it’s been just a montage of funny, light, peaceful, warm, uncoordinated, smiley moments. Jason is -2893% drama, 3006% patience, 9028% funny and 938731% selfless. It’s a tough life with him, not!

Even when it comes down to the little tiny moments, there are times that my mind snapped a picture of. Those always keep me smiling. Like when I heard someone crying and peeked through a doorway and saw it was my best friend, so sad from a breakup, only to look in further and see Jason with his arms wrapped around her telling her she deserves better. Or the first time Jason went around the room giving my family hugs before we left my house saying “I love you!!” to each person while he squeezed them tight, and I knew he meant it. These are simple moments that showed qualities I’ve never experienced or seen in anyone I’ve been with. Jason really is part of me, and everyone in my life. And I in his! We don’t have “my friends” “his friends” “my family” or “his family” it’s just”Our friends” and “Our family” It is just good.

When Jason and I were setting our wedding date we picked February 1st. It was a Monday and only the Jordan River Temple was open that day. February 1st also happened to be my Grandpa Van’s birthday, so it was an extra special day.

My grandpa was the best example of Christlike love and selflessness that I knew. When he was sick I remember talking to him many times about love and about marriage. He would always tell me that life was hard enough, whoever you share your life with should just add sunshine and give their all to make you happy and vice versa. He wasn’t all talk, grandpa lived this. He treated grandma and everyone around him so well always, and added so much sunshine to everyone’s lives.

After grandpa passed away there were a few moments when I felt him by me cheering me on. One in particular was when I was deciding if I was supposed to marry Jason or not. I could almost feel grandpa’s big hand on my shoulder like he was there, saying “Codi you know perfectly well he is the one, and I approve!” Who knows if I made these moments up in my mind but they were just the right amount of peace I needed to know I was on the right path.

I felt the same peace and comfort on February 1st 2016 times a thousand, as Jason and I were married and sealed in the temple. My mom, dad and I drove over together that morning and I noticed I didn’t feel a hint of nervousness or uneasiness. We were all laughing the whole morning, and when Jason and his parents walked in I felt all bashful like I had just met him again! Why does that still happen!

We went and got dressed and my mom and Jason’s mom came and helped me. I got stuck trying to get my clothes off and my dress on and it was so funny, all three of us trying to wedge my big fat head into my dress took about 3 years. After those three years had gone by all of our wedding guests had left and forgotten we existed so no one was actually at our wedding! Har har har.

Once I was dressed I went with Jason up to talk to the sealer. The second I saw Jason I had two waterfalls coming out of my face. Nothing had even happened yet and I couldn’t stop crying! And he just had his cute gigantic excited smile on his face. I kept trying to think of very serious things like bins full of legal documents or thousands of marauding vikings so I would stop crying but it didn’t work. I was too happy.

We finally went into the sealing room and I had gained control of my tears until I saw everyone in there. Through the whole thing my lip was doing that quivery thing and I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at anyone, one little smile or watery eye in our direction sent me back into river face mode. Gosh!

It kept running through my head just how much dispair  I felt the year before that I would never find the right person, that I would be alone forever. And there right across from me was the one person who would make me the happiest girl for eternity. I found him. I thought of how quickly I found Jason, and how easy it was. How God pretty much lead us straight to each other and knew Jason was the one I needed. It blew my mind that the tiny ounce of faith I had paid off so much, I was the luckiest girl alive that day and for the rest of my life. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful in my life, I will never ever forget that feeling.

While Jason and I were married and sealed I felt many things. First I felt love, overwhelming love. From our family, friends, angels, Heavenly Father, you name it. I just felt so much love. I also felt peace, it was like God nodded his head saying “Yes, this is right.” I felt… one. I felt entirely one with Jason and everyone and everything in our lives, I felt connected, I felt sealed. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt before and it was such a surprise to me and still is. It is just right. I know that life gets hard and we will have bumps and hard times but there is not an end in my future with Jason. I didn’t know what I was missing until I found him and I will never be able to understand how I deserve him.

Ok enough of this yadda yadda though. Here are pictures. Thank you Jessica for the photos! Thank you everyone who braved the arctic. Seriously -8 degrees, windy, frost bite, multiple cases of hypothermia, wedding guests found frozen dead in the parking lot. What? Practically. Bright red noses, puffy eyes, huge coats, millions of cars in the background, squinty eyes, double chins. I for one didn’t feel glamorous at all but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy.

Best. Day. Ever.