Work on YOU!

One day a few years ago I was riding Trax home from class, making my way to work. I was listening to my iPod while sitting across from some lanky man.

Suddenly my left arm started to go numb, my fingers went all tingly and I got a crushing pain in my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I tried to stay calm but I was sure I was having a heart attack. “I’m only 22.. I actually really might die here on Trax. I never guessed this would be how I would go.” I slumped down in my seat so I was practically laying down and tried to get a deep breath. Tears streamed down my face out of fear and confusion. My legs were all up in the lanky man’s business but I really couldn’t care about that at the time.

Being four stops away from where my car was parked seemed like it took an eternity. I was glad that I was parked right by the hospital so they could take care of my heart attack- or at least dispose of my body if I didn’t make it in time.

Once I made it to my car the pain had lessened but I was hyperventilating pretty bad. I had to sit in my car and try to stop crying so I could breathe- but I just couldn’t!

I had no clue I had had a panic attack till I had more over the next few weeks and months.

I never understood what started the panic attacks, they would come out of nowhere with what seemed like no triggers.

For those years I was also always anxious and depressed. I thought about killing myself which I never had done before- it just seemed to make sense, it seemed like it would be nice.

I felt hopeless and confused most days. I would get into hours of only being able to say “I don’t know” when anyone asked me anything. I couldn’t laugh, smile, or even pretend I was happy like I used to. I felt worthless and like a burden on everyone- it would be easier if I was just gone.

Months went by of this and I couldn’t pin point what it was. I felt like maybe it was my birth control, I thought “I started feeling this way after I got married, and that is when I started taking the pill, so that’s got to be the issue.” I got off the pill and got a non-hormonal IUD. My moods didn’t fluctuate AS much but I still felt the same. My anxiety and depression continued and I would try to ignore it or find something to blame it on.

Months later I went through my divorce and had a while of totally blaming my ex (and my marriage circumstances) on all of my feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, worthlessness etc. After all he didn’t treat me good so of course it was all his fault right?

Wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong.

New story.

My parent’s got this rescue dog a couple years ago, her name is Lizzie. Stupid name for a dog right? My mom saw a post on Facebook with Lizzie’s sweet old gray face that looks eerily just like our family dog Sabra who passed away years ago. She couldn’t let this 9 year old Sabra twin dog stay in a kennel any longer so we took her in.

Lizzie had these huge saggy/misshaped boobies from what we can only guess was from years of being bred, worn down stubs of teeth from probably chewing on her cage, and scab like spots on her elbows from laying on a hard ground for so long.

She was really skinny and anxious. When we first brought her home she would run into furniture and hit her head on corners, it was as if she had never lived in a house before. Odds are she probably didn’t, but we don’t and probably never will know what her past was.

She is the sweetest dog you’ll ever meet, my niece and nephew can climb on her and she is so patient and gentle with them. She wouldn’t hurt any person no matter what anyone did to her. She cuddles like she is a lap dog and follows you around the house even if you just go to the bathroom. She greets every stranger like they are her best friend and she will sit in anyone’s lap even if they don’t want her to (or even if she doesn’t want to).

But then if she sees a dog or a cat all hell breaks loose. She turns into this demon who will stop at nothing to gnaw them dead with her nubbin teeth. Some switch flips that makes you think… why the heck does she do that???

She also would escape the yard any way she could for months, even if it cost her getting hurt. She would get so anxious being alone that we would wonder what happened to her, why does she feel the need to escape, why is she so anxious?

She does a number of other things like this that make you go, what did she go through to make her act like this?

Ok back to this other crap.

After I met Jason I started going to a therapist. I wanted to know how I could get over the feelings and insecurities I got from my ex. I didn’t want him to rule my life any more and I wanted to feel better.

It was so weird how over the months I came to realize that it wasn’t my ex who was the problem…it was me.

Growing up there were multiple factors that instilled different things in me that came out and became worse. Sure the unhealthy relationship with my ex definitely exaggerated these things and brought me to an even lower point, but over all I was not healthy to begin with.

We all start out young and innocent, we grow our personalities and have a support system.

Unfortunately though sometimes our support system doesn’t support you the way they should, or isn’t even the support that you as an individual need. So we all develop unique ways to cope with our circumstances. No one is perfect and no one grows up in a perfect environment, no matter how hard someone tries, or if everyone has the best intentions.

I sure didn’t! I have a family and friends who I love more than I can put into words, but that doesn’t mean they are perfect either.

Through my therapy I saw how initially I started off talking about my ex and my marriage, and it quickly diverted into other topics like my parent’s unhealthy relationship cycle, how they treat each other and us kids. Boundaries. Not being heard while growing up. Feeling dumb or worthless for certain things I couldn’t control. Feeling like a burden or an unwanted child. Feeling the need to fix all of the unhealthy relationships around me. Needing to be perfect at anything I did. Being different, not being accepted by “friends” or being liked by everyone. Feeling ugly and insecure about my weight, hair color or how I looked. Not being outgoing or popular enough. Different fears and insecurities my soccer coach/ team helped grow to be bigger and bigger. The places I worked and the bad things I saw going on there. The fears I had when it came to marriage, fighting spouses/parents and feeling abandoned. It carried into so many things, so many stupid things that I didn’t even know were still hurting me. I could name so many more, just like I think anyone else can do too! And you know what, I realized the list will just keep growing unless you tackle it at some point.

That’s when I decided that if I wanted to truly find happiness and peace I had to fix these things within myself. I had to know that I could go head to head with some of these things I had buried, ignored, or blamed on something or someone else.

And that was my job to do and no one else’s.

There comes a point in life you have to stop being a victim of your circumstances, you have to decide you are going to fight and not give up.

You have to throw away your excuses and make some sacrifices. You have to experience some seemingly unnecessary struggle and pain. And you have to be grateful and humble.

Stop blaming your past or the people who brought certain things out in you. Stop pointing fingers and stop trying to punish someone who “offended” you or “ruined your life”. That includes yourself. Don’t punish yourself. You’ve been hurt enough, so move forward and fight for getting peace within yourself again.

It’s frustrating to watch so many people I love go through this cycle and have to stand by and watch as they destroy their lives and the lives of those around them.

Go get help. Go work on you. Humble yourself.

We all hurt and we all go through trials, and guess what? We are all different. Have empathy for people who are different than YOU, even if you think your way is the right way. Love them, respect them, talk to them. We all come from different places. We all have different insecurities and ways of dealing with adversity. We have all built walls and unhealthy ways of reacting or coping with different situations.

Just like funny Lizzie the rescue dog, we all have weird strange quirks about us because of things we have gone through. But we actually have the ability to get over those things. We also have the ability to understand and give empathy to those around us if we try. Lift others up. Stop blaming and start making a change.

Trust me, with that big list up there of my insecurities and where they started, it has not been fun to sift through all of that and bring it up again. But it has helped me heal, cope, learn, actually function and want to change.

I see WHY I have anxiety and depression over certain things, I see what sets me off when I feel mad or out of control. And I can talk about those things and work on them now. I’m not helpless and I’m not lost. It gets better.

There will always be jerks out there who drag you down, but it helps if you can remember that they too are hurting for some reason and that is usually why they are how they are. It doesn’t give them an excuse but can help you handle unpleasant things and be happier. I think Jason must be really good at doing this with me lots of the time!

You know, I thought marrying Jason would fix me, that he would take away all the pain and all of my issues.

Not true.

Jason helped me because he is a very healthy, understanding, humble and kind person. But he has not fixed me. I’m the one who has had to work on that and it hasn’t been easy. There are still days he sits with me while I have to talk out my anxiety over something that happened. Or nights when we stay home and he holds me while I cry into his shirt because I feel so depressed. Those have definitely gotten fewer and further between, but it takes a long time to heal. And at least I can understand why I feel how I do now and work it out to become happier and more at peace. I am much happier but I know I still have a ways to go.

We all do.

Ok my rant is at an end. Hope it gave anyone some insight, if not it’s fine. I got it out!

If you related to any of this I suggest go see a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, bishop, really anyone who can help you get out of your unhealthy patterns. Just don’t dump it on your kids, friends or loved ones, they love you but cannot fix it. Only you can, and seeing a professional is a good place for you to start.

Here’s To The Weirdos

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Before I get into these weird ramblings I want to warn you I just did a word check to see how many times I wrote “Weird” in here and I only say it 43 times. So thats not too bad. Kind of weird of me. Shoot now I am up to 44. So enjoy this weird post! 45 feels better than 44.

I remember a day in eighth grade walking into gym class excited to see my friends. I was halfway into the locker room when I heard someone say my name while talking to someone else. I instantly stopped mid step and listened:
“Gosh Codi really is so weird, she just says weird things all the time and is so not cool. Let’s hurry and get outside before she comes in so we don’t have to walk outside with her.”

I stood there so still, not breathing like I had just got punched in my weird gut. I was so confused and hurt as they continued talking about my weirdness and how not cool I was as they walked outside.

Weird.

They thought I was weird.

In that moment the tiny librarian in my brain stepped out from behind her little desk, walked over to the tiny bookshelves, peeked over her glasses at the labels on the books, and sorted through the W’s til she found “Weird”. Took it out of its uncategorized section and carefully placed it in the “Bad” section, with some other choice words such as “messy” and “imperfect”.

And that was that. Weird was officially a word I hated from then on.

From that moment on I became really sensitive to my “weirdness”. My “friends” would talk in the hallways between classes and slowly turn their backs to me til eventually I was pushed out of their cool circle like a little dweeb goat trying to eat from the same trough as all of the big strong goats. I didn’t fit in and I didn’t really know how to be cool enough again to be allowed into that circle. So I eventually left it and went and hung out with some friends who accepted me for just who I was. From then on I didn’t know how to react around the “cool” people, so I just became quiet and stopped talking to them. This carried over into high school and oh what fun it was to act like a mysteriously shy girl daily to everyone I didn’t know.

Even through my years of soccer I learned to just shut myself up and beat myself up constantly for not being good enough or cool enough like everyone else on my team. Even my coach obviously thought I was weird and imperfect, so that was more proof of my worthlessness to me- I just didn’t fit in anywhere.
I taught myself to see everyone around me as an enemy “Everyone obviously must think I’m weird so I better not become close with them unless they are weird like me.” It was so dumb! I spent so much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me.

Near the end of high school I met a boy who was weird too, and the best part was he didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of him. It was strange to me that he could do that and I respected and loved him for it. And honestly it taught me to take my wall down for a bit. He helped me learn to not care either and embrace my weirdness. The first time we hung out we packed wheelchairs into my trunk and wheeled around in Walmart for no reason at all but just to laugh. We would go to midnight showings of movies dressed in graduation robes with sticks we had foraged from some stranger’s back yard and whittled into wands. Or go on walks and collect literally hundreds of snails from the sidewalk and put them in baskets we had found. Everything we did was so “weird” but so much fun, it was a breath of fresh air! It was all so new for me that I learned to tune the rest of the world out, it was ok for me to be weird for once and he accepted me for it.

Not long after I met another boy who was completely different than the first. He was “cool”. He was handsome, funny and smooth with his words- he always knew just what to say. Not to mention it seemed like all of the girls wanted to date him. He allowed me to be weird, and he was weird too- but he was always very guarded. He cared a whole bunch about what people thought of him, and he had some very strong opinions about many other people as well. I understood it though, I understood the walls that he put up because I had them too. I sympathized with him and learned to feel how he felt- he felt not accepted in a different way than I had growing up. It was different, but at the same time eerily similar. And it caused an un-ease in him that hurt him and kept him always on the defense.

When he proposed to me the diamond on my ring was tilted at a 45 degree angle. We sat there on the old train platform where he had just proposed and he gently held my left hand up into the light “You notice how the diamond is tilted? I asked them to make it that way on purpose. I didn’t want it straight because that wouldn’t make sense. You are “off” too Codi, just like the diamond, you are not normal. You are tilted, you are not the same as everyone else, so I wanted your ring to show that.”

Weird.

He thought I was weird.

It was kind and thoughtful of him, he liked that about me, but he saw me as vastly different from even himself. It struck me that he saw me as “off” too just like everyone else did. Which was ok but just resonated in a strange lonely part of my heart.

Obviously these years were some that taught me the very most. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions- I would feel extreme highs of importance when I was praised and showered with songs, tears and romantic gestures. And other times I went through the lowest lows. Times when I would feel so hopeless, misunderstood, unimportant and weird that I would cry silent heaving sobs into my pillow in the middle of the night- while my husband would sleep peacefully on the other side of the bed.

My “weirdness” grew into a monster for these years. I always felt it lingering, every decision I made, every person I talked to, it would creep up and I’d have to fight it back so I could act normal. But I never was. Whatever I did wasn’t good enough and wasn’t accepted. So I learned to shut down just how I had in Jr High school. I became quiet and accepted the fact I wasn’t going to be heard, so I needed to just blend in and let my husband take control (since obviously I was too weird and dumb to make decisions myself- and I believed that my past backed up that belief about myself)

We all know how that story ends so I’ll save you most of the details.
But my weirdness still wouldn’t leave me alone, even through my divorce I would hear from complete strangers that my in-laws and husband’s friends were saying I was “crazy” and “bipolar” or a few other words which to me just screamed: UNIMPORTANT, FAILURE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WEIRD.

They thought I was weird.

And just like that they pushed me out of their lives, out of the cool circle like I never existed. And I had to pretend I didn’t miss them either, because cool people don’t do that.

Fast forward to the next boy I met, unlike #1 or #2 in so many ways.

Jason was Jason. It never occurred to me when we met that he was weird or that a word like that even existed any more. What I had once viewed as weird just looked flawless and comfortable when I looked at Jason. He didn’t care what people thought of him, but he thought the world of quite literally everyone around him. He would laugh at anything he thought was funny, and he would talk to anyone no matter who they were or what others thought of them. He would act however he wanted and do anything that made him or others happy, as long as it was positive. I could see in his huge group of fun, weird, amazing friends and wonderful, accepting, fun family that he was doing something right- because why else would he be surrounded by so so much support and positivity? He literally took “weird” right out of my mind and melted it back down to what it meant to me when I was a kid. Which was just.. different. And Jason was and is different, and honestly I don’t know one person who doesn’t love him for it, not one!

He helped me see that different is not a bad thing, it’s actually a great thing.

One day we were driving and I felt so down because one of my good friends had just turned me down to go on a group date with us. Her words were “My husband thinks you’re weird and that date nights you put on are just weird, so we probably aren’t going to come, sorry.”

Jason looked at me and said “Code, what a compliment. Don’t see being “weird” as a bad thing, it means you’re different. And different people make life more fun and bright for everyone else! You make people see the world in a different light and that is an amazing gift! I feel so proud every time someone calls me weird, because it’s a compliment. Don’t feel sad, they are the ones missing out on your amazing insight, ideas and fun!”

Sure, just weeks before I had put on an old person date night where I forced my friends to all wear old clothes from Goodwill while we shuffled and limped around all night wearing braces and took crutches and wheelchairs to Chuck-a-Rama. After dinner we played a nice game of bingo and one of the prizes was an adult diaper. But was this date night weird? No way! Maybe everyone else who doesn’t have date nights like this are the weird ones!

It’s taken me my whole life to accept myself for who I am and to not be offended or sad when people say I’m weird. And I can’t say how much I wish I had learned this lesson years ago. It would have saved me so much hurt and worry.

Since Jason has come into my life he has helped open my eyes to so much. He has really taught me that when you are your best and truest self, you are also your happiest self and good people and experiences will just come to you! It’s really like magic how this happens and I’ve loved experiencing life in this light and learning to embrace what makes me different. It’s amazing how many friends and just pure goodness have appeared in my life in the last couple of years. And I have enjoyed being able to get to know people genuinely without boundaries or cautiousness in how I’m going to appear or come off to them. The truth is people will open up and love you more if you learn to do this within yourself first. Sometimes this takes a lot of life experience, or just someone to come in and show you the ropes in a kind way.

So be weird, be kind, be genuine and be you. I’m here to tell you it’s not worth the pain and the sadness to worry what everyone thinks of you. Worry about fixing yourself first if you’re broken, because when you are healthy emotionally then the people around you will feel it and you will be able to do more good than before and spread so much more sunshine!

One night Jason and I were at home, we were in our underwear hugging each other as tight as we could while we held our breath to see who could squeeze an ugly laugh out of the other person first. I think I won. After that we brushed our teeth while we ugly danced in silence, read some of our book and the scriptures together, and then talked about life and laughed really hard at something that had happened that day. As I laid there with my head on his belly while he played with my hair I realized something. To Jason I was not “off”. I was not tilted or crooked or different to him. We were one, and as far as he could tell we were both on the exact same crazy angle. And if we were both tilted at the exact same strange angle then really we weren’t “off” at all.

This was probably a totally cheesy, dumb, and maybe repetitive post but it’s something that has really shaped my life. I hope I can help even one person see how they might be holding themselves back from such a happy life. It’s ok to care about the people you care about, it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to think of crazy ideas, and do bizarre things as long as they are good, uplifting and positive. Never be ashamed of those good parts of you no matter if some people think you’re weird or that you don’t fit in with their views of what is normal. It’s ok. And our differences are what make life worth living.

There are always going to be people out there who are craving your individuality and who might need your heart, your ideas, or your outlook on life to better their life in some way. So don’t let the fear of what anyone thinks of you put out your unique flame. In the past I never would have written or posted anything like this post in fear of it sounding weird. But what the heck, who cares?

It’s up to me.

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It was a cold and stormy night. Just kidding. Half kidding. It was freaking cold. But not stormy. Slash I am not even starting this story with the nighttime so pretend I never said any of this.

It was a very very cold day. Jason was acting strange, as opposed to how he usually acts- goofy. We were at my parent’s house and wait, let’s rewind.

It was a very very tired morning at work. I called my parents when I got off of my shift around noon and no one answered. My mom finally texted me back “Hi Codi, sorry! We are going to lunch with Jason right now, I think I know what he is going to ask us!!” Me “Gosh mom!! I like surprises, now this isn’t going to be a surprise!” Mom “I’m sorry!! I am a bad liar I couldn’t think of anything else to say because you’d figure it out anyway! Oh well we all knew it was coming!” It’s true, I would have figured it out- my parents and Jason are the worst liars/secret keepers in the world and I am a world class detective.

So yes. Jason took my parents to lunch to ask for my hand in marriage. The plot twist is that they said no, because that would only leave me with one hand. Just kidding that really never happened, I just heard that joke from someone and I do find it pretty comical.

But they obviously said yes. They have loved Jason from day one and saw how good he was for me. And can I just point out that he asked both of my parents? I loved that. I still love how Jason knows how much my whole family means to me and they mean just as much to him too, because turns out that is how he is with his own family. It’s so great.

So fast forward to a few days later. To the cold cold day. The night before Jason asks “Code, can we go on a hot date tomorrow night? And get some dinner?” I of course agreed, I am always up for a hot date and dinner! And a hot dinner! So he comes over to our house and my dad asks “What are you two doing tonight?” I look at Jason. Jason gets a blank look on his face “Uh, we are going on a hot date. Probably to dinner…” Dad, “Oh sounds fun, where to?” Jason, “Uh, um..probably this Thai place up by Liberty Park…” awkward silence. Hahahaha there was never a moment of awkward silence with Jason from the moment we met until then. That’s the second I knew he was proposing that night.

I looked down at my clothes, then at the clock and thought oh no. I look like a river monster/ weird camp guide person. Then I did a quick glance at my reflection on the oven and thought, oh shoot even worse. My face looks like a dirty sock and my hair is an exact replica of the mop that was used to clean the lunch room at my elementary school.

But there was no time to get ready so I just grabbed some lipgloss out and tied the top half of my mop hair into a weird little bun. And off we went. Jason opened the front door for me and said “Oh Codi! Did you know it’s 11/11 today?? Did you make a wish?” me “Yes I did know, and no, I didn’t make a wish!” And I continued walking to his car.

We then started driving to dinner and Jason says “So since I found this Thai place which happens to be really close to Liberty Park, do you think we should go take a walk after dinner?”

Me talking to myself in my head “Shoot, he really is going to propose at Liberty Park and we have never even been there together, what does that meeaaan. Plus I know for a fact he hasn’t gotten me a ring yet so what is he going to do??” Thus starts the internal freakout and commencement of me trying to sabotage Jason’s “unplanned” proposal.

Our drive continues with me turning on my snapchat and forcing us to record us saying phrases backwards so I could record it backwards, making it sound “normal”.

Me and Jason for ten minutes “ooooopp ooot vvvaahhhh iii” You can figure out on your own what that one was. Or watch this.

Then we pull up at the restaurant and eat just the most delicious Thai food til we are over stuffed as usual. Well I was anyway.

Then we drive to Liberty Park. We park. And we sit there as I try to look down at my feet but I can’t because I am so stuffed with food my belly was identical to Santa Claus belly. Then I realized I was as cold as Santa and I cranked the heat up all the way. Then I zoned in on my heartburn creeping up my throat and started unbuttoning my pants to relieve some of the pressure on my freaking belly. I thought about unbuckling my seatbelt but kept it firmly across my lap as I sat there and tried to think of a way to get away from Liberty Park.

“Ok Code, do you want to go on a little walk? It’ll help our food digest!”

“Um I don’t feel very good J, I am too full, I am freezing already I am just shivering thinking about getting out of the car, my heartburn is eating my esophagus and maybe we should just go home and watch a show??”

“Ok we can do that after, come on! I have a great big blanket in the back I can wrap around you, and when we walk it’ll help your food and your heartburn go away probably.”

Any other day if I asked Jason to drive me to Maine, he would do it. If I was sad and the only way he could cheer me up was for him to eat the contents of a cat’s litter box he would have done it. So when he didn’t give in to my complaining and whisk me away to watch a show, I knew I wasn’t getting out of our “walk” in the park.

So we get out and Jason bundles me up in his blanket and we start walking around the park.

This whole time I was shaking uncontrollably. If anyone looked at me they would have thought I was dying of hypothermia but in reality I was just so nervous I couldn’t control my rattling body.

We walk a few feet and Jason says “Oh Code! Did you know it is 11/11 today?” Me “Yep, and no I didn’t make a wish.” And I keep waddling away like the brat that I was.

So on we walk around the pond. I try to change the subject to anything other than 11/11 or romantic things. So I ask Jason if he could have any pet in the world what would he choose.

Just keep in mind we were both acting like we had just met each other. Jason was freaking out of nervousness and I was as well. We were both acting so strange all night and once I asked him what pet he would choose I almost bust out laughing uncontrollably that it was the only thing I could think of to talk about.

Silence.

Jason: “Um.. a pet… I think.. I think I choose an owl. Yeah I choose an owl. What about you?”

Me: “Um shoot I didn’t think about this. Maybe like a.. lion or something. Yeah a lion. I could ride it and stuff.”

Jason: “A lion? Cool! Wait.. why did I choose an owl?? Owls are cool but not that cool. Not that cool at all. Why didn’t I choose a big animal? Why did I choose a freaking owl??”

More walking and laughing.

Jason “Oh wow Code! Look, there is a bridge here! We should go over the bridge!”

I practically sprint over the bridge in fear he will propose on this bridge.

We reach the little island in the middle of the pond. I scan the area for signs of the impending proposal, nothing.

“Hey look, wow its a bench Code! Lets go sit on that bench!”

We walk down to this tilted decrepit bench sitting in the mud down by the water. All the while Jason is talking about island’s nervously.

“Wow look at us Codi, me and you on an island. Islands are so interesting, hey! We met on an island, practically! This is so cool for us, it’s like we are back where we met! Think about it, islands are all alone out in the water, surrounded by water, but together you know? Like me and you! Islands are basically our thing, they mean so much…… ”

He kept talking as my mind flashed through scenes of meeting Jason on our cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. Playing on all the islands in the warm weather, heaps of never ending food, swimming in the ocean, playing on the beaches, hiking in the rainforest. Laughing as we play games in the sun, and at night talked while the warm sea mist floated around and you could see all the stars up in the sky.

And my eyes slowly drifted from the murky inversion above us, down to my shivering body wrapped in Jason’s old blanket. My glance continued down to a diseased glove halfway encrusted into the ground in front of our muddy shoes, over globs of duck poop, to the sludgy water rippling slightly where the geese were probably watching us in the dark.

Jason continues being so cute and nervous talking about the importance of islands to us. Then he starts to move a little more than usual, bouncing up and down a bit.

“Man Code, I really have to pee. I am going to pee my pants.”

He starts scanning the little island for a place to pee. “Ok I am going to run to the bathroom on the other side of the park, stay here I will be right back!”

Me “Just pee in the pond J.”

Jason: “No, I could get arrested!”

I look around at the ten feet in front of us which is all we can see because it is so pitch black.

“No one will see you! It is so dark we can’t even see a thing, how in the world would a cop on the other side of the park see you peeing?? ”

He finally complied and I sat there on the bench as he scuttled almost out of sight and I hear his pee hitting the sludge filled water.

He walks back to the bench and continues to talk a bit and then looks at his watch. “Wow, so it’s still a little while til it’s 11:11 on 11/11, maybe we should just make wishes now? So make a wish k?”

Oh no, it’s coming. I sit there with a blank mind, what do I wish for?? What do I do?

“What did you wish for Code?” Me “Well I can’t tell you or it won’t come true, right?” Jason “Well ok, but can I tell you what I wished for….?”

His hands are sweating and shaking so much as he lifts himself off the bench and fumbles a ring out of his pocket. I could almost hear the mud goosh out and around his knee as he kneels in front of me.

“I wished that I could spend forever with you. Codi you are my very best friend. I have never been as happy as I have been since I met you. I love you so much. (more stuttery, simple, cute fumbling words) Codi, will you marry me??”

I am crying as I nod, “Yes, Jason!”

And he slips a ring on my finger, then the gem slides from the top to the bottom of my finger and hangs there a few sizes too big.

Jason: “Oh shoot! I knew it wouldn’t fit! Oh no.. Codi I am so sorry. I blew it, oh no. Codi you deserve so much better. I got you the wrong size ring. And why did I propose to you at Liberty Park? It’s freezing and gross. What did I do? I blew it. I’m so sorry Codi. I’m so so sorry. I haven’t gotten any sleep in weeks I just had to do it today or I felt like I was going to die of nervousness! I’m so sorry.” I sit there and look at the ring hanging off of my finger and think.

Oh no he did blow it didn’t he. What do we do? This isn’t how a proposal is supposed to be is it. What do we do now?

Jason:”Ok Code lets just pretend this didn’t happen ok? I will redo it and do it better. You deserve better than me and better than this. I will go get you a ring that fits and I will do this better another time. Let’s just go home, I’m so so sorry.”

I still sit there in silence thinking. “Ok, so do I just not tell anyone, and we pretend this didn’t happen? Or should we just go with it? What do we do?”

We sit there talking about it for a bit and decide that he is going to redo it but we should get pictures in case we just want to count this time as the real thing (we were so stupid hahaha). He apologizes again for not planning this better because he was going to get someone to take pictures and didn’t remember to do that. He just kept apologizing for every single thing and we felt so confused!

So Jason turns on his phone and flips the camera around and our big white faces come on the screen. Oh dear we looked horrible! We take one photo and his phone dies.

Jason “Oh no!! Is your phone still in my car? You say here Code, I will run and get it and I’ll hurry, I’m so sorry!!” Jason runs out across the bridge and I sit there on that little tilted bench wrapped in his blanket and watch his silhouette shrink away in the distance as he runs clear around the park to our car to get my phone.

In that moment I felt so upset “Oh gosh I can’t believe he blew it. What do we even do? I look gross, we don’t have pictures, the ring doesn’t fit, we are at Liberty Park, we are freezing and why are we here?” Then as I watched Jason’s tiny outline running in the distance it hit me.

I started laughing so hard. I laughed that he peed in the pond, I laughed at the glove sticking out of the mud. I laughed at how homeless I looked wrapped in that blanket, sitting on a bench that looked like it had survived a hurricane. I laughed about Jason’s cute words about islands, and I laughed at the “island” I was currently sitting on as he ran to get my phone out of the car. And I realized that this whole proposal was exactly what I wanted. I wanted Jason and all of it was so him. The nervousness, the loss of words, the fact that none of it was a surprise. The whole night was something I would never forget and it was so simple and not dramatic. Jason was not dramatic, he never put on a show. He was fun and funny and simple. He never upset me or treated me wrong. He valued me, my hopes, dreams, ideas and words like no one else had before. He would do anything for me, but from day one I scared the crap out of him (or in this case, the pee). From the moment I met him he waited for me to make up my mind. He let me decide what I wanted and what I needed. He showed me his true self from the second we met on that cruise ship and he was still doing that very thing on that little dirty island on Liberty Park. He was a drama free guy who loved me and was my best friend in the whole world. And I was so happy we would have this night to laugh about for the rest of forever.

It occurred to me in that moment that I had been conditioned my whole life into thinking that drama is normal- good or bad drama. I had this idea that everything that happened in my life had to be like a fairy tale, or utter destruction and misery, to be right. That day leading up to Jason’s proposal my mind flashed back to my ex’s proposal. A giant scavenger hunt, intricate clues, tears, tears and more tears. A song written and played for me in between sobs. Ending at a proposal on an old train platform where we had our first kiss. It was just like the movies portray a proposal to be, very dramatic and flowery. In my head I remember hesitating after my ex popped the question, my first thought was to say no because I didn’t feel like I was ready or like it was right for us. But I said yes because I loved him and I thought it was just how it was supposed to be, I didn’t think I had any other option. There were many times after that proposal where I got scared, I worried I had made the wrong choice. As I was deciding if I was going to go through with that marriage I had a few scares that he would hurt himself if I didn’t stay with him, or something horrible would happen to him or our relationship- I was so scared I would lose him. But again, that drama was what kept me in it. I was used to the drama throughout my life so it felt right.

As I remembered those moments with my ex a clear comparison of Jason came into my mind. When he asked me to marry him I had absolutely zero doubts that I wanted to marry him. But if I had, he would have stepped back and let me figure it out without any threats or scares; but with patience and love. I was ashamed that I had questioned Jason’s proposal just because it wasn’t flowery or dramatic enough. I couldn’t believe that my idea of how a proposal should be, clouded over the awesomeness of the night and the hilarity and sweetness of Jason’s plan. He was everything I wanted and I would have married him even if he wrapped a worm around my finger and asked me to marry him in a text. Our relationship was based on trust, love, humility, friendship, patience and humor. As opposed to jealousy, confusion, drama and more drama.

That moment on that bench taught me a lot about myself. I realized that down in my core I had some unhealthy expectations and patterns that I would have to work a ton on to change. Even in the happiest state I’d been in for years (or in my whole life for that matter) I still struggled with expectations and being let down due to really high ones.

I thought about how much more sweet and memorable my memories with Jason were compared to any else. No matter what our surroundings or struggles were they constantly brought us closer instead of tearing us apart. Sure, it took me a minute to recalibrate my mind and my emotions each time something shook me and a little. But Jason helped this process each time by being patient, sweet and by putting me first. He didn’t need to put on a big show to win my heart so why would he have to do that to ask me to marry him?

Jason galloped back over the bridge in the dark and sat back down on the bench with my phone in his hand. Out of breath he said something about taking some pictures now then we would figure out if we wanted him to redo the proposal another time. Finally- like I should have done minutes before- I told him that this proposal was perfect and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

We sat and hugged each other as we laughed for some time and took some beautiful romantic photos on my phone (see the beauty below). Then we called our family and told them we were finally engaged, before my phone also died because the battery was “too cold”.

I had a thought a little off tangent as I was hunting for those proposal photos but here it goes. As a photographer I tend to pick photos that “aren’t real”. When choosing photos of a model I will not pick the one where her double chins are bulging over the collar of her dress from laughing so hard. I won’t choose a picture of someone’s crack hanging out as they are modeling a pair of pants. Photos like this don’t “sell”. I don’t capture the kid’s toys laying on the ground when snapping a photo of my sister in her home. Or mine and J’s laundry piled in the corner when getting a picture of the two of us at home. But the truth about life is that these little quirky and real things can’t be covered up, no matter if they aren’t shown- they are there! And they are what make life real, unique and fulfilling. It’s kind of how I see my relationship with Jason, it’s candid, funny and real. Nothing is covered up or not shown, and sometimes you have to learn to love the real double chin smiles instead of the glamorous vogue shots. Take away the drama and life is so much better and so much more enjoyable. I’m so grateful for my Jason and for everything he has taught me! I’m so grateful he proposed and that I now reap those benefits of being with my best friend for every day for the rest of ever. It’s a cool life.

February 1st 2016

3 Replies

I’m here today to post some wedding pictures taken by my great friend Jessica Sweat. But I am going to start out writing more of Jason and I’s story. Because the truth is I started writing it weeks ago and am just finishing now. And lumping it together with our wedding pictures haha.

I’m going to start back in what.. probably April of last year. Jason took me to Cirque Du Soleil when they came here to Salt Lake. After the show J drove me home and we were sitting in my driveway laughing about something and he says “Gosh Codi I just loved tonight! And I just love laughing with you, and I loved dinner! And I love spending time with you… I just love YOU!!” and then we both stopped mid laugh and looked at each other, Jason’s face turned bright red and he put his hand over his mouth. Then I started laughing again way harder and he says “Oh gosh I did not mean to say that, not like this not right now, oh my gosh! I am the worst I didn’t mean to say that now!” and I couldn’t stop laughing then he said “Wait, I mean no…. I DID mean to say that, I DO love you Codi! I totally meant it so I AM going to tell you, I love you! I’ve been thinking it for a long time now, I am in love with you! I’m the worst, I just told you I loved you in your driveway in my car!! Oh my gosh!” and we both sat there laughing so hard.

I knew I couldn’t just keep sitting there laughing so then I said “I care about you so much but I’m just not there yet. I do love you, but I am not in love with you yet, I need more time. But I love spending time with you too, I love everything about you I’m just not ready for this yet.” And cute Jason was the nicest. “I understand. Don’t feel obligated or rushed or anything. But just know I love you, and I am here for you always. I realized a while ago I would do anything for you and I worry about you and care for you more than anyone I’ve ever met. So just remember that, and just be ready to hear that I love you now. Because I do and I am going to say it.” Then he walked me up to the door, kissed me, and told me he loved me and I went inside.

Do you know how weird it feels to have someone say they love you and then you don’t say it back? Do you just smile awkwardly while you bat your eyes, or scream “I LOVE PIZZA!” and run away, give them a high five and say thanks bro, pretend you didn’t hear them because you’re talking to someone on your bluetooth headset, or just say “I like you a lot too, bye!” But really what do you do?

The truth is I did love Jason then, but I was scared. I was so scared to lose someone I loved again, I was scared to make a wrong choice or not weigh all the possibilities. I was scared that I didn’t know him well enough and what if he ended up being someone other than what he seemed. It was also hard to admit that it was all happening again. I had a ton of mental and emotional walls up from the divorce and that previous relationship. I didn’t know how to transition all of myself to another person and not feel like a psychopath while doing so. I was a psycho. Every new milestone I reached with Jason brought back up tough memories and feelings which made me want to run away and become a cat lady (which says a lot because I am allergic to cats). I didn’t want to confront any of that pain which I had buried down so deep, it was way easier ignoring it.

So for a couple months Jason kept telling me he loved me while I awkwardly mumbled thanks or hugged him, or got teary eyed because I felt so rude and he was still so sweet. Jason and I would often be talking and he would say things like “When we are married we are definitely going to travel the whole world together” or “In 60 years me and you will probably still be acting like this!” or “Hopefully our kids get your butt and not mine!” and I would immediately go from happy laughing Codi to straight face worried Codi. And I’d sit and tell him to not think into the future like that. Because he didn’t know what was going to happen with us, and I didn’t ever want to let him down. It was the worst. Correction: I was the worst.

Finally in about July or so I had been talking with my friend Sammie. We had gone through marriage, then divorce, and dating again all at the same time. I don’t think I could have survived it all without her. But we were talking about love, and she asked me if I loved Jason. And I went on basically telling her (in condensed version) “Yeah I do love him, wait no, maybe, definitely, I don’t know. It’s different, I don’t know how to, and it’s scary!” and she said something to me along the lines of fear isn’t from God, love is. And it hit me that I was letting fear rule my life, and it was time to change that. I loved Jason and I needed to tell him!

So soon after that, Jason and I went to the temple. We went in the Celestial Room- a very peaceful, heavenly room of the temple. Jason was praying when I walked in and I sat by him and also prayed. Then I thought “Gosh, I am going to do it! I am telling him I love him now!” so my heart started beating so fast and I leaned over to him and whispered “Guess what?” Jason turned and looked at me with his eyes wide and shook his head at me. My face immediately went bright red “He knows!! Oh my gosh!” I thought. He whispered “Codi! Not here, anywhere but here! Not now!” I was so embarrassed. I was thinking how does he know, and why was I going to tell him here, that is so embarrassing of me! My heart was just beating out of control. So I thought “No. I am going to do it, I got this far I have to say it!” So I leaned over again and said “No J really, guess what!” and he starts to laugh “Codi really, anywhere but here! Everyone will hear it, and it will echo! Do you have to do it in here?” and I thought “It will echo…?” and died when I realized. Somewhere in life I started saying “Guess what?” to whoever was with me then when they said “What?” I’d fart! I know, I really am a 14 year old boy. So after I realized Jason thought I was going to rip a big one in the Celestial Room, I said “No, I’m not going to fart. I was just going to tell you that I love you!” and his face went from nervous surprised grin to the biggest smile ever. And we sat there hugging, with our whole bodies shaking as we laughed as reverently as we could.

Every milestone I’ve shared with Jason has been so… light. I don’t know how to word it but it’s been just a montage of funny, light, peaceful, warm, uncoordinated, smiley moments. Jason is -2893% drama, 3006% patience, 9028% funny and 938731% selfless. It’s a tough life with him, not!

Even when it comes down to the little tiny moments, there are times that my mind snapped a picture of. Those always keep me smiling. Like when I heard someone crying and peeked through a doorway and saw it was my best friend, so sad from a breakup, only to look in further and see Jason with his arms wrapped around her telling her she deserves better. Or the first time Jason went around the room giving my family hugs before we left my house saying “I love you!!” to each person while he squeezed them tight, and I knew he meant it. These are simple moments that showed qualities I’ve never experienced or seen in anyone I’ve been with. Jason really is part of me, and everyone in my life. And I in his! We don’t have “my friends” “his friends” “my family” or “his family” it’s just”Our friends” and “Our family” It is just good.

When Jason and I were setting our wedding date we picked February 1st. It was a Monday and only the Jordan River Temple was open that day. February 1st also happened to be my Grandpa Van’s birthday, so it was an extra special day.

My grandpa was the best example of Christlike love and selflessness that I knew. When he was sick I remember talking to him many times about love and about marriage. He would always tell me that life was hard enough, whoever you share your life with should just add sunshine and give their all to make you happy and vice versa. He wasn’t all talk, grandpa lived this. He treated grandma and everyone around him so well always, and added so much sunshine to everyone’s lives.

After grandpa passed away there were a few moments when I felt him by me cheering me on. One in particular was when I was deciding if I was supposed to marry Jason or not. I could almost feel grandpa’s big hand on my shoulder like he was there, saying “Codi you know perfectly well he is the one, and I approve!” Who knows if I made these moments up in my mind but they were just the right amount of peace I needed to know I was on the right path.

I felt the same peace and comfort on February 1st 2016 times a thousand, as Jason and I were married and sealed in the temple. My mom, dad and I drove over together that morning and I noticed I didn’t feel a hint of nervousness or uneasiness. We were all laughing the whole morning, and when Jason and his parents walked in I felt all bashful like I had just met him again! Why does that still happen!

We went and got dressed and my mom and Jason’s mom came and helped me. I got stuck trying to get my clothes off and my dress on and it was so funny, all three of us trying to wedge my big fat head into my dress took about 3 years. After those three years had gone by all of our wedding guests had left and forgotten we existed so no one was actually at our wedding! Har har har.

Once I was dressed I went with Jason up to talk to the sealer. The second I saw Jason I had two waterfalls coming out of my face. Nothing had even happened yet and I couldn’t stop crying! And he just had his cute gigantic excited smile on his face. I kept trying to think of very serious things like bins full of legal documents or thousands of marauding vikings so I would stop crying but it didn’t work. I was too happy.

We finally went into the sealing room and I had gained control of my tears until I saw everyone in there. Through the whole thing my lip was doing that quivery thing and I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at anyone, one little smile or watery eye in our direction sent me back into river face mode. Gosh!

It kept running through my head just how much dispair I felt the year before that I would never find the right person, that I would be alone forever. And there right across from me was the one person who would make me the happiest girl for eternity. I found him. I thought of how quickly I found Jason, and how easy it was. How God pretty much lead us straight to each other and knew Jason was the one I needed. It blew my mind that the tiny ounce of faith I had paid off so much, I was the luckiest girl alive that day and for the rest of my life. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful in my life, I will never ever forget that feeling.

While Jason and I were married and sealed I felt many things. First I felt love, overwhelming love. From our family, friends, angels, Heavenly Father, you name it. I just felt so much love. I also felt peace, it was like God nodded his head saying “Yes, this is right.” I felt… one. I felt entirely one with Jason and everyone and everything in our lives, I felt connected, I felt sealed. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt before and it was such a surprise to me and still is. It is just right. I know that life gets hard and we will have bumps and hard times but there is not an end in my future with Jason. I didn’t know what I was missing until I found him and I will never be able to understand how I deserve him.

Ok enough of this yadda yadda though. Here are pictures. Thank you Jessica for the photos! Thank you everyone who braved the arctic. Seriously -8 degrees, windy, frost bite, multiple cases of hypothermia, wedding guests found frozen dead in the parking lot. What? Practically. Bright red noses, puffy eyes, huge coats, millions of cars in the background, squinty eyes, double chins. I for one didn’t feel glamorous at all but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy.

Best. Day. Ever.

My Ancient Friend

7 Replies

It’s been almost a year since I’ve been on here. That’s sad! But also not really, it’s been a great year filled with many moments not spent on my computer, phone or camera. I think I needed it.

The last posts I did here were in… January last year. Then I started shooting a lot of outfits and getting them ready to post and never did. I was such a great fashion blogger! Not! I realized I felt weird just posting pictures of myself all of the time. Really, who cares? “Here is me smiling in a sequin jacket in front of some leaves, and this is me wearing a black hat holding a dirty frying pan! And last but not least here are my legs in my cute new pants awkwardly dangling over a pit of baby rattle snakes. All of these things are relevant because I learned last year that leaves, frying pans and baby rattle snakes symbolize hope, so have hope everyone. You can buy the sequin jacket at Gap Kids, the black hat seasonally at Halloween City, and the pants at the Pants Barn. Thanks! Bye! xoxo Codi”

Yeah that’s what I felt like I was writing every time I posted. So I’m sorry about that. I’m here today to post about whatever the heck I want to post about.

AKA: Jason. So this will be a really long post haha.

Fall 2014 my friend Crystal told me and our three other friends to sign up for a Caribbean cruise in January 2015, with a group of LDS singles. And all 5 of us happened to be single at the same time (which never happens) so we all signed up to go!

A week or two before, we decided to go to a pre-cruise party. We got there and witnessed a house mostly full of people who could easily have been our parent’s friends. But luckily after we got trapped next to a very amusing ping pong game by two 50-something year old men trying to gage how old WE were, we went upstairs and found a group much closer to our generation. Crystal comes up to me and says ” Cod! Jason Stephens is here!” I knew just who she was talking about, thanks to Tinder. I had matched with Jason a month or two earlier on there because he looked fun and had great friends, friends who I had met through my ex. Jason started a conversation with me on there.

Jason: Hey Codi! How are you?

Me: Eh.. I’m ok. How are you?

Jason: Just ok? I’m so sorry. Why are you just ok?

Me: It’s just been a hard few months. (I probably shouldn’t have been allowed to communicate with anyone for most of 2014, I’m an embarrassment to myself and future generations)

Jason: I’m so sorry Codi, can I ask why?

Me:

I never responded. Because I am a Duck with an i instead of a u.

I stalked his Facebook and the only pictures I could see were Jason working at Disney World. And I thought “Oh no, he is one of those Disney people. I can’t talk to him.” So that was that.

Then a few weeks later at church my friend Stephen asked me “Hey Codes, are you dating yet? Can I set you up with one of my friends?” Me “Yeah I am, of course!” Stephen ” Cool, JPS is one of my more.. eclectic friends. He works at the zoo right now, and he worked at Disney World. I’ll give him your number!” Me in my head:”Oh no. Disney Kid, JPS, I can’t forget that name, I have to find him on Facebook and make sure.” Sure enough it was Jason! Well he didn’t call me and we didn’t go out. So the next time I heard about him was at the pre-cruise party when Crystal said “Cod! Jason Stephens is here!” turns out though I never saw or met Jason there, only his friends. Months later Jason told me he saw me at the party and hurried and hid behind the garbage because he didn’t want to meet me there like that. Bahaha!

So a couple months later me and my friends left to Puerto Rico.

It wasn’t til a couple days into our cruise at dinner while walking to our tables we all stopped and introduced ourselves. And this is how Jason and I met:

Jason: with squinty eyes, he starts bowing to me with his hands together “Ohhhh Herrro, I am Shashon, what is yah name?”

Me: Equally squinty eyes and bow “Aaahhh, herrroo Shashon, I am Cordi.”

More bows were then shared between us and all of our friends before we parted to our tables.

So that was that hahaha.

A couple days later was the sea day. My friend Mandalee and I decided to go swimming at the back of the ship. It wasn’t long before a slightly drunk rotund man named Pablo or maybe Jose forced us to join him in his exercise routine around the pool. This workout consisted of walking back and forth across the pool a few hundred times. Fun, I know! After what seemed like 37 hours we snuck away from his pacing routine and we sat at the side of the pool and talked. Then we noticed Stephen and Jason on the balcony above the pool standing watching and we waved them down. We then said “Jose/Pablo! Teach our friends your workout, they need to know!” And we forced the two of them into the pool and laughed as he made the two of them walk back and forth behind him about 5889 times. Then we ran up to the second balcony and watched them from up top and laughed so hard. Then I waved Jason up, so Stephen was stranded alone in the pool with Pablo/ Jose/ whatever his name was. And Jason and I talked. About nothing really important, just where we worked, went to school, his mission, what color code our personalities were. The usual things. Then we spent the whole day playing games. And we were instantly best friends.

Jason was one of those people who laughed any time I talked so I felt like I was the funniest person in the world. And he was so fun to talk to, he always had unique things to talk about and played along with just about anything I, or anyone else, said or did. I also noticed how kind he was to not only me but everyone. The next days of the cruise our friends spent a lot of time together and I was with Jason almost all the time.

Once we got back on the ship after our day at Barbados, I was about to get in the shower because I was gross and looked strangely like Gumby for some reason, and our phone rang. It was Jason asking if I’d come to a bachata class with him.

So I did and we were the worst dancers, for the record. Then we grabbed snacks, and walked around the ship’s art gallery and gave our own commentary for each of the paintings. It ended with a short shadow puppet session in a light that was set up for a presentation. And then ate ice cream while we watched the ship leave the island. So I guess that was technically our first date.

That night I think was when Jason and I left from dinner together and grabbed a brownie and a banana then went to the top deck of the ship. We found the worlds biggest moth fluttering under a light and filmed slow motion videos of it and laughed every time it scared us. Then we took turns throwing pieces of the brownie and banana off the boat into the dark water. Wow, we probably needed to be supervised hahaha. As I just wrote that I thought I was writing about two five year olds. So then we talked about everything, our families, friends, my divorce, our dating lives, just all of it. And we kept throwing brownie over the rail. And watched the little lights out in the distance, and the cute stars. It was so nice, Jason was the sweetest, and so not judgmental or hard to talk to. I just felt like I had known him forever, like he was my very best friend.

Soon some of my friends tried to sneak around the corner and take a picture of us, because they thought we were going to be making out somewhere. HA! Nope. I was not planning on dating Jason or kissing Jason, I just wanted to be friends. So this is the picture they got.

As we were walking through the ship the last day on the boat Jason was walking behind me and said “So I hope you are ok if I ask you on a date when we get back to Utah, I just want you to know I want to date you, I love being with you!” and I got all freaked out!

Once we got back to Puerto Rico some of our flights got delayed because of the storms on the east coast, so we got to stay a couple extra days. Earlier that day I saw one of those tiny bags of cereal in Jason’s bag, you know the little white crinkly ones! And I got so excited, I thought it was a disposable camera. So I said “Oh my gosh Jason, can I please use that for my school project? I forgot my film camera at home!” And he laughed and told me I could have it but it was cereal from the ship, I felt dumb but laughed way hard.

The next morning we woke up at the hostel we were staying at and the one random lady staying in the same room as Kiley, Sammie and I opened the door to leave. She turned around as she lifted a little black baggie off of the doorknob. “Is this one of yours?” All of us didn’t even know what it was so she opened it and pulled out a disposable camera. And we all stared at it for a second before Kiley and Sammie turn and look at me with their mouths open “Aawww! Code!” Yeah, Jason woke up early that morning just to go find me a disposable camera. Then I thought oh shoot. That is just about the sweetest thing that’s ever happened. And Kiley and Sam continued saying how sweet Jason was and that I needed to date him.

Ok this is the longest story ever, so if you’re still reading you might want to stop and question why you are reading this hahaha. Unless you are me, or Jason. Then you can keep reading.

The next night a few of us decided to go to Bioluminescent Bay. We couldn’t find a tour group because they were all filled! So luckily we found a local guy with a little tiny boat and he took us out. All of us thought when we climbed into his little innertube-sized boat that he was shuttling us to a bigger, sturdier boat. No he never did and I’m still surprised we didn’t capsize that thing. But oh my gosh, once we got over laughing at the boat we were in we started winding through this little river. The trees condensed over us and blocked out a lot of the light from the moon and stars. Then slowly we started noticing the water glowing around and behind the boat. The closer the boat got to the bay the more the water lit up. Wherever something moved it just left a streak of sparkling blue light in the water from the bioluminescent algae. You could see fish swimming and it just left a glittering trail behind them, and the boat left a big waterfall of light behind it! Once we got out to the middle of the bay the man stopped the boat. We all sounded like idiots as we moved our hands around in the water. Jason was the best “Oh my gosh!!! This is UNREAL! No way!!! Can we jump in? I don’t care, I’m jumping in, this is incredible!” So we all jumped in and swam in the glowing water and it was the coolest thing in the world! We were just little glowing bodies, when you dunked your head under and came up for air the little lights would just twinkle down your face. It honestly didn’t seem real. Then we all decided we needed to skinny dip because really, we had to. So me Kiley and Sammie swam to one side of the boat, and the boys went to the other. Hahaha it was so cool. And so funny.

When it was time to go we hurried and put our suits back on, I was in such a hurry I managed to get my top on upside down and backwards, and my swimsuit bottom was also on backwards. It probably takes more effort doing that than putting it on normal, I am just that talented. So to sum it up I had two squashed down boobs and the worlds largest wedgie. Everyone was getting back in the boat as Jason swims up to me. And there I was-doggie paddling/ drowning trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my swimsuit and he says:

“Hey Codi, can I smooch you?” with this big sheepish grin on his face.

Me: “Uhhhh..”

And here was my exact train of thought. : Oh my gosh we can’t, I like him so much but not like that. But maybe I will someday.. he is the exact kind of guy I want to marry someday.. maybe we will date someday but I don’t know right now! I don’t want to ruin our friendship if not..

Jason: “It’s ok! Never mind, I just thought it would be so cool to kiss here because this is amazing. Seriously Codi, it’s ok!”

Me: “I just don’t want to ruin or change our friendship, you know?”

Jason: “But we could say it’s not romantic or anything, because we are friends. It could be just for the memory because we are in the coolest place in the world. But really, it’s ok! Don’t worry about it if you don’t feel comfortable!”

Me “Ok ok, fine, you can “smooch” me!”

And we doggie paddled closer and kissed in the glowing water.

Then I quickly tried to climb into the boat but couldn’t make it with my weak t-rex arms, so someone grabbed my hand to pull me in. Then I teeter-totered over the edge and clambered in like a beached whale in my backwards/upside down swimsuit and my butt was probably in everyones faces, and my cheeks were blushing. No not my butt cheeks! My face cheeks, duh.

The last night before I left we all stayed in a friends condo, I went downstairs to get my pjs on and saw my friend Sammie asleep on the couch. And there was Jason in the dark opening drawers and looking around so I stood and watched for a second. And he found a blanket and walked over to Sammie and tucked it around her before going upstairs. Then after I smiled so big at that, I hurried and ran up the stairs to the couch I was going to sleep on before he saw me. That night Jason was down on the floor of the same room I was in. We talked for so long, and I remember Jason asking me if I needed a foot rub. Because my gross feet were all swollen and sick, and he is nice. And I quickly said no thanks I am fine! Then he asked me if I would be ok with him asking me on a date when we got home. And he said “Gosh I just think we would make a good pair, life would be so good with you Codi, I hope so bad things work out with you.” And I pretended to be asleep. And worried about what would happen when we got home.

Well to sum it all up there was nothing to worry about. After we got home we continued to spend every single day together, and he grew on me even more. Even as I dated other people cute Jason just patiently stayed around and gave me my freedom to figure out what I wanted and needed.

After a few months Jason and his fam left to Italy for a month. And I had some time to really think about what I wanted. I was over at his house one day with Derek and Dustin and I went in Jason’s room to grab something. Then I found this little note tucked by his journal and my heart almost fell out of my butt.

It was the funniest and cutest thing and it brought a little tear to my eye. Needless to say that month while he was gone I really figured out what I wanted, but most importantly needed. I needed that most selfless, goofy, boy to be mine.

So there is that. Now we are married! There is the condensed story of meeting my sweetest husband. I know I couldn’t have found anyone better for me, or for the people in my life. What a huge blessing he is, and gosh do I have a lot to do to measure up to! He is naturally selfless, and always puts anyone else first. He also is the best at adventuring and making the best of any situation. Any moment with Jason is fun and unique, I can see he gets that from his amazing family who I also love so unbelievably much. I really got spoiled once I bucked up and chose Jason, he is the real deal. It’ll take my whole life to learn many of the things that come naturally to Jason, and I am so lucky I get that example for forever.

Jason and I have not once fought, and I believe we never will. He is too sweet and patient and understanding. Even when I am acting like a female dog, he just hugs me and tells me how important and special I am. He knows just how to cheer me up and I don’t know how I survived without him. This is what marriage is supposed to feel like. Best friends and equal partners in everything we do. Man I am lucky!

I titled this My Ancient Friend because of a moment on the cruise. Jason said to me “Gosh Codi, I just feel like I have known you forever but it’s only been a few days. You are my best and most ancient friend, because I know our friendship goes way back before we were alive, I can just feel it.” I could’t agree more. He is my most ancient and best friend, and I’ll bet he has been for a very long time.

I love you sweet, funny, amazing Jason!!

Here are some random stupid pictures I found in my phone, enjoy!

: cruise mustaches

: Jason=Lipstick

: keeping our heads out of the mud

: St Kitts Shenanigans

: Won’t you be his neighbor?

: Me and Disney Kid

: He proposed in Antarctica

: Sushi night

: Old people date night

: I was in Italy with him and didn’t even know it!

: there was a martyr in the bed

: san diego loves

: yes

: we fed rhinos for my birthday

: don’t ask!

: Valentines

: Our first photo

: tiniest snowman

: Moab-ing about

: nope

: haha

: sweetest boy!

: St Kitt’s

: what is happening here?

: ?

: who?

: ReAL Game

: more-ab

: from the disposable camera J bought me

: Rhino!

: Also from the disposable cameraa

: V day

: enagaged

: Mawwiage

: My love.

Modify

2 Replies

Well hey there!

This post is a little different than usual for me, since I will be reviewing an awesome site where you can customize your own cute prints! I’m quite enjoying this, because I don’t have to get all dressed up to take pictures of me in an outfit. In fact, I am sitting on my bed wearing a mud face mask right now. This is the life! I’m never doing a fashion post again. Just kidding. Maybe..

So I stumbled upon this fairly new company called Modify Ink a couple months ago. Their idea intrigued me because you can modify their prints just how you want them. As an artist, I love this! I like having a say in what I display in my house, and sometimes it is difficult to just find a picture or print that matches my other decor.

When you first get to their website you can read more about their concept and idea (here), or begin customizing your art (here). It is very simple, first you choose your piece. I chose this one (Flower Bunch by © Courtney Blair)

Next you use the options on the right toolbar to customize your colors and patterns within the image. It is super easy, all you do is click the part of the image you want to change, then select a color! Although his part is super easy to do it was the most difficult part for me! There are SO many options. It’s safe to say it took me a good hour and a half just choosing what print to use. And then it came to choosing colors and my brain almost exploded, too much goodness! It really helped me to choose which room I was going to put my image in, so then I coordinated the colors in the print with my bedroom. Then it finally came together, I used yellow, green, creme, gray and black. I think it turned out quite cute, I love it!

Once you customize your print, you finish and review it, then boom they will send it to you! After entering your address and info and all of that jazz of course. You can get sizes ranging from 7″ x 5″ all the way up to 40″ x 30″! I highly recommend using Modify Ink for some fantastic images to decorate whatever space you may want to put them in.

My room is (obviously) mainly black, gray, creme, yellow and green. I really honestly didn’t know where I would find a print to hang up that would compliment the room. So for the longest time there was a black and white photo hanging where the Modify Ink print now is. I am super glad I know about this website now and I totally recommend customizing your own print from them! Whether it’s for yourself, a friend, or a family member, these make great gifts for anyone.

Lucky you, if you go here sometime in the next three days you can get a 30% discount on a print of your choice! Just use code IAMCODI30 at checkout! But hurry and go check it out so you have plenty of time to choose your favorite print, heaven knows it took me a while because there were endless options to choose from!

Thanks for reading guys, til next time!

Codi

Where is my mind?

1 Reply

The past few weeks I think I’ve been having a mental breakdown. Everything is seeming to culminate at the same time. School is ending, I want to find another job, dating is confusing, I don’t know if I even like photography anymore, I’m sick of my hair.. you know, just the usual issues. I don’t handle change very well and yet again that is what is about to hit me real hard in a couple of weeks! When you come to these parts in life, what do you even do?! I want someone to just tell me!

It’s real scary when you spend five years dedicating your life to school, then you graduate and you think “Oh shoot.. I think I actually hate taking pictures all of the time!” Then you are supposed to go out and find a job. And you don’t even know what kind of job to get, because you just need a break from what you’ve been studying for years! It’s not stressful or confusing at all. And who needs money? Not me, I’ve been getting by just wonderfully on my dumpster food and clothes made of leaves and dead racoons. I’m thriving actually, I’ve never been better and my beard has never been so long and luscious! I’m the truest form of hipster you can find.

At the moment I am sort of putting all of my eggs in one basket, kind of like the Easter Bunny. I am hoping that this blogging thing will be my “thing”, that it can turn into my full time gig sometime soon after I am graduated. It is scary putting my faith into it because it is still so new to me…but logically it makes sense. I can continue to use my photography..which I need. I can model, which I love to do. I can style outfits and looks.. which I’ve always enjoyed. And I can write. Which.. may be a mistake if you take into consideration how this post has gone so far! But over all it sounds like something I could thrive in. Thus my focus on blogging after I graduate…….also I just realized the Easter Bunny does not put all of his eggs in one basket. He puts them in tons of different baskets, then hides more all over the yard. So that was a failure of a parallel. I am actually not like the Easter Bunny at all.

Another reason I’m definitely not like the Easter Bunny is because last week’s post I wore a colorful outfit, and this time I decided to just not do that. You can never go wrong with black, especially when you are in an early-mid-life crisis! This Copper Key shirt (it is on sale at Dillard’s for $10!) is one of my favorites. You can pair it with just about anything and it looks great! I’ve worn it with creme pants, to red shorts and under a striped jumper. Or in these photos with my black Ralph Lauren pants, and Steve Madden ankle boots (similar here). I’ve been seeing so many pictures from Coachella lately, and realize compared to the outfits worn there, I am wearing a little bit too many clothes. I’m a nun compared to the girls there! You can mostly thank Utah weather for that. If you like this look for hot weather, it looks just as great with creme or black shorts and a cute sun hat!

I am a fan of long sleeve shirts like this for summer, it’s a nice switch from short sleeved shirts all of the time plus it is light and breathable. It’s good to breathe.. especially when you are as confused at life as I am!

Thank you to my bfff Jason for helping me with these pictures! He’s the bomb.com and should know that! One thing I always have going for me are the amazing people in my life. Making decisions may be hard but it sure helps being surrounded by encouraging and supportive people!

Alright friends thanks for reading! Sorry this post is bland… and sort of gothic.. vampire-esqe or something. It’s pretty accurate since I’ve only stepped outside to go to school, or at night. Woah maybe I’m turning into a vampire. That sucks! Get it? Ok I’m done haha. Bye guys, I’ll be posting again next week, woo!

Codi

I think spring has sprung!

1 Reply

Hey peeps!

Get it? I’m calling all of you peeps because it is the day after Easter and you probably have a bunch of peeps sitting around going stale. Maybe you should just throw them away because we all know you’re not going to eat them!

I originally planned on posting this on Easter, but a few computer problems later and here it is- a day late.

Yesterday was not only Easter but it was also LDS General Conference. It’s a day that happens twice a year where LDS leaders and members gather for two days to give and hear talks. These talks range from church news and announcements to gospel doctrine stories and testimonies of Jesus Christ.

I love when General Conference falls on Easter because ultimately Christ is the whole purpose of Conference, He is our cornerstone and the ultimate example.

Like many other holidays, Easter can get turned from a day to remember Christ, to a day to remember candy, rabbits and colorful eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy Mr. Easter bunny and all of the delicious prizes he brings me. But I know that isn’t what we should be focused on.

Easter symbolizes the day when Christ overcame death and was resurrected. He gave his life and died for each one of us, and then overcame it all and rose again. I couldn’t be more grateful for His sacrifice and example. It helps remind me that we are not just here on earth to get rich or famous. We are here for a greater purpose- to learn, grow and get back to live with God again. We can only do this because of Jesus Christ.

I know there are people out there who don’t share the same beliefs I do. But I think it can do nothing but strengthen someone to try to live a kind, selfless life like Christ did. And the message of Easter- of hope, resurrection and new beginnings can apply to us all. We all go through trials and hardships; there isn’t anyone who is spared from occasional grief and heartache. But on the other hand, everyone also experiences at least a moment of happiness, love or success. We should all remember the message of Easter every day of the year. That there are great things to live for, and there are always new beginnings, fresh starts and happy times ahead.

So ultimately I’m not too upset I couldn’t post this yesterday on Easter, because everyday should be like Easter, really!

Along with it being Easter, it’s also spring. Waaahoooo! I’ve missed the sun, colorful plants, flowers and clothes. I hope I don’t jinx it though, living in Utah means it could start snowing tomorrow for all I know. It better not!

Here’s a little spring outfit I put together. I found this PrettyGuide jumpsuit while I was thrifting last week, and paired it with my favorite DVF sequin jacket. I mean, really… Best jacket in the world! My shoes were also a thrift find last year. I have a bit of an addiction… I might just end up completely turning my blog into a thrift site. Maybe I’ll change it from iamcodi to iamsavers or iamgoodwill. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me using their name right?

So there you go, some springy stuffs.

So I know I haven’t been posting much lately and for that I am sorry! But also not sorry because I’ve been focusing on school, plus there are fun things coming after I graduate! Three weeks left, people. Then my trillion years of college will be completed. Someone please pat me on my sequined back! Thank you.

With Easter on the mind I thought it might also be appropriate to post my second part to my Loss Series. This is my Senior Portfolio Project, which for some reason I chose to make a photographic movie instead of do actual photos. I’m still sort of confused why I did this.. so don’t ask me why! But this video is Part Two out of three. (You can watch Part One here) It comments on loss, particularly the type of loss that we can’t control such as death, relationships, memories, etc. I started this project after my divorce and the passing of my grandpa when my life was in the middle of many big changes- I had lost a lot of people. I know everyone relates, because everyone goes through change, and change is a direct result of losing something.

My final video will be shown in addition to the two I have posted here in my Senior Exhibition. If you are interested in seeing them they will be displayed on the second floor the Marriot Library on Thursday, April 16th from 9am-2pm in study room 2103. If you’re up on the University of Utah campus for some reason stop in and see!

Thanks for reading guys! I’ll be posting a couple more posts before I graduate, and in a few weeks I’ll be really focusing on this little blog of mine! So keep checking back.. only if you want to of course.

Happy belated Easter! Happy spring!!

Codi

I am still here! Let’s talk collaborations…

Simplify

7 Replies

Why hello there!

This might be a rather quick post. It’s been quite the week, my first week of school, plus I am leaving on a cruise tonight! Wahoooo! My pasty white skin needs the sun!

Tuesday as I was getting ready for class, I stopped and realized it was my last first day of school ever! At first I started jumping around in excitement. Then I realized… holy crap.. this means I have to be a big kid now! I will have to have a big kid job, stop wearing diapers, stop eating baby food, and learn how to walk.. no more stroller rides for me. So then after I realized all this I was kind of worried! This is a big deal, I really have to start gearing down and figuring out what it is I want to do. For the past 3 years I was sure I wanted to just freelance with my photography. But this past year I’ve started rethinking this.. so many other things have happened or come into my life and there are many paths I could take with my career.

Where to go?!

We all come to many forks in the road in life like this where we will have to consider our different options. It’s crucial of course to have a grasp of what your talents and skill sets are. But the other important part is to think about how much you sincerely enjoy whatever it is you are going to do. For me, I have spent years studying fine art, digital media, and photography. I have also studied and immersed myself in fashion and a bit into design. I’ve learned what I love, and what I loathe ENTIRELY (meant to be read in the Grinch voice). For example.. I have shot multiple weddings, family photo sessions etc, and do I like to do them? No. Do they pay? Yes! Whereas when I come up with a concept and shoot an artistic idea of my own, with my models props etc picked out, I LOVE doing this! Do these shoots pay? They have the potential to, it would just take more time and determination on my part. Which.. I will have more of once I am graduated! So we will see where I will go, but for now I will focus super hard on my school work and my senior portfolio. I’ve found whenever I put all I’ve got into a project or job I always get so much out of it. I’m very grateful that these past few years of school I have really pushed myself and put so much time and energy into my schooling. Not only did my techniques improve, but my concepts became stronger and I grew a backbone! I also learned some new techniques and processes that I never would have known I enjoyed had I not went out of my comfort zone and tried them.

I’m looking forward to my next chapter in life, where I will be able to use all of the things I learned in school out in the “real world”. I am determined to focus my time and energy on each project I take on, I know this always results in success! So for now, blogging is one thing I’ve been focusing on, and I will continue to!

With that being said.. here are the photos I took today! Since I am leaving to the Caribbean tonight.. and want to look semi-tan I thought I would wear one of my favorite white DVF dresses. This is the perfect dress if you want to keep things simple, I think it is also magic because it makes bums look good haha. You can never go wrong with a solid monotone dress, it is easy to pair with just about anything or just wear on it’s own. I chose to just wear it plain, with some blue Kate Spade earrings for a pop of color. And did my hair a little wavy, because why not!

Dress: Diane von Furstenberg

Earrings: Kate Spade

One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit lately is blogging. I enjoy it, but not as much as I originally thought I would. This week I realized that maybe it is not blogging itself, but they way I am doing it that I don’t enjoy so much. As you know, for my posts I photograph myself in different outfits etc. Though I enjoy this.. what I truly love is photographing other people, with a more artistic twist other than them just standing in front of the camera. The next few months I will be working much more of this into my posts, and including more of my artwork into my blog posts.

As I was racking my brain about blogging and why I didn’t particularly love it one girl kept coming to mind; Kier.

I for one liked her bow. I am bummed this photo isn’t in focus!

When I first met Kier I was intimidated by her! I was like holy cow.. could one woman be any more gorgeous and confident? Then as I got to know her I learned a lot more about her, like how she is not only beautiful and confident, but also so so driven. She runs her own fashion blog and is always so on top of things! She knows exactly what she loves to blog about and how to do it so it is enjoyable for her and her viewers. Her drive carried through to our experience on House of DVF. I was always very impressed by her strength and go-getter attitude. If she doesn’t like something, she says so, if she wants something she goes for it!

Kier was also like an older sister to me. I felt like she had my back, and knew I could talk to her about anything. This might seem strange because she has such a strong personality, but I really connected with her. When started going through my divorce Kier was one of the first girls who I opened up to about it, and she was so sweet and really cared about me and my happiness. She also was always very respectful of me and my beliefs, and truly understood me as a person. I have so much respect for her and am so glad I now have such a strong friend! I am also so proud of how much she grew and learned on House of DVF. I know we all did, but I saw it the most in her.

She also probably received the most negativity from House of DVF viewers. I think she brushed it all off like a champ and realized that people who continually tear others down do it because they themselves are insecure. Reality tv is actually not reality.. there is SO much that is not shown and people can be made to look any way. And I know who Kier is, and everyone who doesn’t should go follow her blog and learn more about her and her true character! She is strong, a great friend, a go-getter, and know what she wants.

Like Kier, I want to learn to really go for what I want, and let go of what is not good for me. I am slowly learning this but I know as I graduate and move to a new chapter of my life, I need even more drive to go for what I want. And I know this process involves choosing to lose things that aren’t meant for me.

Starting today I thought I would include one of my photographic films, which is part one of my senior portfolio. This film is commenting on loss, particularly the things we have to choose to let go of. This may include relationships, habits, objects, jobs, opportunities etc. Loss is something we can all relate to and will all have to experience at many times in life.

This is a fine art film, so it is the sort of film you would see playing in a museum. It’s just important to keep that in mind.. or otherwise you may think it’s just really weird haha that’s often what art is… weird. Enjoy!

Well, I’m off to the Caribbean now! Guarantee I’ll get a sunburn, it ‘s a talent I have. Til next time!

Codi

i am codi

life, art, & fashion

Work on YOU!

Here’s To The Weirdos

It’s up to me.

February 1st 2016

My Ancient Friend

Modify

Where is my mind?

I think spring has sprung!

I am still here! Let’s talk collaborations…

Simplify